Usually, I’m patient

I’m a patient person. I typically just wait in line and amuse myself while not really behaving like my plans for the day somehow are more important than those around me. I was aware that my ankle injury would require starting over. I just thought that I’d be starting over at a slightly less quick pace. I didn’t think about how much it would hurt my body to push myself. I didn’t know that not using my foot would cause swelling in other areas like the plantar fascia and the Achilles tendon once I got out of the boot and back to using it normally.

I mapped out my 20 week training plan for the marathon. Yesterday was 3 miles run/walk. I decided to try to do it by how I felt. So, I was walking within 1/4 mile. I ran less than I walked. 1 mile in, the bottoms of my feet felt like they were bruised and tender. My left calf was tight. The wind was whipping into my face and I started trying to run again after a break at a water fountain. I made it less than .1 mile before I realized I was not going to run through any pain. I turned around and headed home with a few spurts of a slow run to test the feeling in my feet. While the pain wasn’t only on the hurt side, I didn’t want to chance it. I went 1.5 mile by the time I got home.

I was disappointed. I was angry. I felt defeated. I couldn’t finish even 2 miles of a 3 mile run. How am I supposed to run a marathon? First of all, I’m supposed to train for a marathon, not worry about running 26.2 miles this week. Next, I didn’t run 3 miles when I started out a few years ago. I couldn’t do 60 jumps in therapy a couple weeks ago. Now, I can do it. I couldn’t do 60 calf raises in therapy without pause. Now I can do it. We get stronger through persisting. We get stronger by trying. I will get there. I will rest today and I will go back out tomorrow if I feel rested enough and I will see how far I can take these legs. I won’t push through pain. I’ll push through being tired and I’ll look away from ‘can’t’.

I am not always feeling the most optimistic. Nobody is always going to be. You could say “fake it ’til you make it,” but I’d rather just say that you should believe in the best possible outcome and be prepared for it to not work out that way without a few tries. Giving up is the true failure, though. I’m going to keep my head up. I’m going to try again. Maybe I’ll be able to run a full 5k by the time my race comes around at the end of June. I have a one mile race on Memorial Day to worry about. One race at a time. One goal at a time. I can run a mile. Now I want to run 2. We’ll worry about the 26.2 as it comes along.

Thanks for reading!

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I made a new collage pic for it to make the Facebook page more attractive. My friend donated her time to help me with my profile pic that I absolutely love. I used it as the background for this collage.

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I didn’t train for that, or that…

So, I’m having a lot of problems at home that I can’t go in to and probably never will. I’m pretty stressed out and depressed and it feels like things keep happening to add to an already pretty full load. Now, even seemingly minor things add to the pressure and make me feel even more inadequate. I am at the point where I feel like I’m not a good parent, I only make things more stressful for my husband instead of easier, and I am not skilled at anything. Even when I really put work into things, I’m not successful, so I’m destined for mediocrity or less.

I ran my 5k this last Saturday. It was the worst I’ve ever done. It was over 39 minutes and my fastest 5k was just over 30 minutes. When I saw my time, I wasn’t surprised. I felt disappointed and I tried to make myself feel better by admitting I hadn’t trained for the run. With all the things going on now at home, I haven’t found the time to get away to run.

My training for a half marathon starts in a little under a month and I’m slower than the time I stated in my sign up for the program. I am going to have to train to join training. Not only that, but because the problems at home, I will have to surrender much of what I’d consider ‘me time’ to assure some sort of serenity in the household.

This post is kind of dark, I’m aware. I just feel kind of lost. My life could change drastically simply because someone wanted me to suffer for not giving exactly what s/he thought I should give to them. I’m having trouble keeping my chin up and gaining the energy I need to stay on top of fitness. Without really trying, I’ve lost around 13 lbs in the last 2 weeks. I’ve also lost my passion for things in life and anything I thought of as faith in myself.

I hope that things will return to something resembling normalcy some time in the near future. I plan to set aside some time to try to get my endurance in running back. I’m going to ease back into a routine so it doesn’t add to what I’m feeling now. I’m not trying to disavow responsibility in the matters of things going awry in my life. I obviously have made some choices that have led me down this path. I choose what I put in my body, so I’m the reason for my poor health. I choose how I deal with other people, so I’m not fully faultless in those situations. I have learned from those things. Eat better, move more, and never behave in a way that could be misinterpreted. If people are given opportunity for honesty or tossing mud your way, they won’t hesitate to get their hands dirty.

So, on with the journey that has taken years longer than I planned and taken a path I could never have predicted. Here’s hoping that getting out to run more improves my mood even if it doesn’t improve the situation any.