Forward March!

I’ve completed week 2 of my training and I’m in week 3. I’ll be on a 5 mile run sometime this week. I think I’ll be just fine. Last Sunday, still in week 1, I had a 4 mile run that I cut down to 3. No regrets there. This past week, I had 2 more 4 mile runs and I did them. Thursday’s 4 mile run was so much better than I’d anticipated. Saturday’s run was hot, humid, and harder than I thought it would be. Sunday’s recovery run was less taking it easy and more of me enjoying being able to push myself because the humidity wasn’t as oppressive as the day before.

I went to my usual training on Tuesday and I ran with a group of people. I enjoyed conversation off and on, but I also enjoyed having other people with me to keep me moving forward and take my mind off of my internal voice whining about wanting to stop running and go somewhere cool and shady. My internal dialogue is persuasive. Thursday was my next planned run. Wednesday night, I set out my running clothes and told myself that if I could get up with my alarm, set for 45 minutes earlier than I’m used to waking up, I would run in the morning before the heat of the day and thunderstorm chances started. My 3-year-old helped that along. She woke up at 4am screaming and climbed into bed with the husband and me. So, I struggled with falling back asleep and finally decided to get up and put on my running gear at 5am. After eating a little breakfast, drinking some water, and playing on the internet, I set out for my 4 mile run. I have to say, I rocked it. I kept a pace faster than I have kept on shorter runs. I felt great. The rest of that day, I was sleepy and had a rough time functioning. I don’t think it was that I ran in the morning as much as I ran in the morning after a short night’s sleep. Friday was a monthly fun run/walk for “ladies”. I went and walked about 3 miles. I wore my most recently retired running shoes and I got a HUGE blister on my heel. I used a special blister bandage for my Saturday 4 mile run. Saturday was a morning run. Before I left the house, I could see that it was humid enough outside to fog the windows on the outside of the house. Saturday’s run was enjoyable in that I got to chat with someone while I ran and I went on a different route, but the heat and humidity were nearly sickening. I also didn’t quite memorize the route and neither did the other few people I was with. We missed a turn and had to run around the block to make up the distance. This actually amused me a little. I felt relieved that I’m not the only one who couldn’t memorize the route before setting out. When I finished the Saturday run, I walked over to Starbucks to pick up an iced coffee. I was still sweating when I got home. Sundays are on the calendar as a recovery run, this week 3 slow and easy miles. The humidity was there, but not terrible. It was hot, but not uncomfortable. I took my first mile slow and easy, but then I felt like I wanted to see how fast I could go. I wound up getting faster each mile and really enjoying myself trying to see how long I could hold the speed I was running. I even got in a couple of really hard sprints in my run. I know recovery runs are slow and easy, but I was playing and it was liberating to just play.

So that was how my 2nd week of training to run 13.1 miles went. I mostly followed my training with except my slow and easy Sunday run. I got a blister on my foot and ran with it. Of course, the special blister bandage didn’t stay put in my running sock and when I had it removed from my heel, the protective layer of skin went with it and now it’s an open wound that had better heal quickly.

Tonight, it is optional to run and I probably will. Maybe I’ll even take it slow and easy, even. I’m actually excited to go on my runs. I’m excited to run with other people. That’s a big deal for me since I get anxiety when I am with any group of people, including my family. I’m still painfully awkward, but I can work on my social skills while I’m working on my running skills. I’m learning to ask people about themselves and talk about myself more. I’m also learning to ask people running questions and put in my own helpful tips.

So have I lost any weight? Not anything notable going on with the scale. I haven’t gained any. I have eaten better. I feel like some things aren’t as tight on my body. I’m proud of how far I’ve come with my abilities. I was really struggling with running 3 miles without walking back in June. I was ambivalent about joining this training program just a few weeks ago. Now, I can’t wait to see how much farther I can go, who I’ll meet along the way, and whether anyone else will join this journey and share their experience with me.

Have you thought about what skills you’re working on by starting on a fitness or lifestyle training journey? What areas of your life, other than just your appearance, are you improving? Can greater confidence, willpower, and energy improve your quality of life?

Be back next week to share the adventures of Jenn. Thanks for reading!

Harsh critic

I tried going at weight loss hard and I quickly discovered that I was setting myself up for disappointment and for failure. I haven’t lost a measurable amount of weight or size. My pants are still snug and I can’t find many of my own clothes that fit me for the current season. Excluding clothes made of stretch material, I have almost nothing to wear. Stalled progress is not for lack of trying. I’ve stopped buying myself cases of soda to keep in the fridge, which lessens how much I drink. I have been mindful of getting in more steps on the pedometer. My steps have nearly doubled per day lately. I’m getting back into working out and running, but it is tough to find the time. So I’m depressed.

I’m certainly not the poster child for weight loss success. I’m mad that I seem to try hard and not get anywhere. I mean, genuinely angry. I often cry that I can’t run as fast as I did a few months ago or even a year ago. I often cry because I see my reflection in the mirror or a photograph someone took of me and I see someone fat. I can’t see past it and I can’t understand why I can’t succeed at something as simple as eating less and moving more.  That’s what people say is all it takes. I feel like every time I go out in public, people are seeing how fat I am and making snap judgements about who I am.

I have multiple friends that have lost a sizeable amount of weight and are so happy about it. I’d like to say I’m so happy for them. To a degree I am proud of them. I’m also jealous, though. While someone might look and say that I don’t try as hard, I try pretty darn hard. I spend more time with sore muscles than I do without. I go for walks just to get steps in for goals. I overlook foods that I enjoy to eat something healthy. I cook healthy foods. So why am I fat? Obviously, I’m going to have to go harder on myself. It seems unfair that I need to work so hard for nothing. This is what typically makes me quit when I’ve been going well for a long time. I weighed lbs less a few months ago. I haven’t been binge eating and sitting on my duff all day. Yet, I gain weight as if I’m eating nothing but Hostess Cakes. It gets old fast. As does climbing on the scale and seeing no movement. As does having people call you fat as if you don’t already feel that way about yourself.

What does fat mean to me? Obviously, it is more than something that I have on my body or something contained in many foods. It means I’m lazy. It means I’m not good enough. It means I’m not pretty. It means I’m not intelligent enough to make healthy choices. It feels like a weight on my chest. It feels like the reason I don’t want to go out with friends because they’ll see how fat I am and other people will see how big I am. It means nothing looks good on my body. It means I am less because I weigh more. It means I’m a failure.

I’m not calling anyone else these things. I’m saying this is how I feel my size defines me as a person. It isn’t something that I carry proudly. I don’t even consider it a feature about me. I feel that it envelops and defines me. I’m no longer the happy person I was years ago when I was a normal weight. I am looking out of my eyes and hoping nobody looks back at my body. I’m ashamed of how I look.

I haven’t said much of this before because I worry about how people will take it and what they’ll think of me. I hate thinking that people would think badly of me even though I think pretty harshly of myself without anyone else’s help. I just wish I could be on the outside who I feel like I am on the inside. I’m a woman who can run miles, lift weights, and cook most anything from scratch. Yet somehow, after 3 years of trying, I actually weigh more than I did at the start and I don’t know what to do about it.

I’m not asking for suggestions on anything mass marketed for weight loss. I have looked into some of the more popular things and I absolutely will not spend that kind of money on anything for myself. This is about how I feel and how hard this is for me. This is about how I’ve somehow managed to make myself feel this bad and how it is working against me.

Thanks for reading. I know I need to come back more often.

I’m signed up for a 5k on June 6th. I start half marathon training in July for 12 weeks and will be running a half marathon at the end of September.

Oh, I’m feeling blah

Hey there! I haven’t had the energy or the drive to work out. I’ve eaten a bit better, though. Well, I’ve tried to eat fresh more often. I am depressed and would rather lie in bed all day than get up and be productive. It takes me a lot more effort just to finish my daily work like dishes and laundry. This, my friends, is what depression is like sometimes. Even with medication and the best intentions, I get down sometimes. This time around, I’m feeling weepy, physically sore, and very isolated. People who don’t have depression would have a hard time wrapping their head around how a person can go from feeling fine to irreversibly sad, angry, and hopeless. I’m actually doing really well-functioning day-to-day, but my mind is not kind to me at all. I’m especially critical of my size, the amount of time I’ve spent struggling with it, and whether I’m actually good at anything. Tsk, tsk…let us present the matter at hand.

This is what’s on my mind. I want to join a gym. I know which gym I would like to go to first.

  • I’m worried I won’t have time to work out. I know people think “make time” or “don’t you stay at home”, but I actually have planned things throughout the week that I do for my kids and my husband isn’t always in town. I’m just afraid to squander money on something if I don’t use it.
  • I’m completely intimidated by the thought of working out on the equipment. I know how to use an elliptical because I have one. I don’t remember anything about the weight machines when I had a membership a gym. I use free weights and resistance bands at home. Also, there aren’t strangers at home to see me struggling to run 30 minutes.
  • I want help, but not really ask for it because I’m embarrassed to need help with anything. Many things in my life would probably be easier if I didn’t feel that way.
  • I’m aware of how what I’ve listed above could be read as excuses and I certainly don’t disagree. I need to get fit and joining a gym is an excellent opportunity to break routines and to make my goals tangible.

All of that said, I’m thinking about enlisting the help of my doctor. The label of the medicine clearly says to report new or worsening depression. That applies to me just as much as anyone else. My hope is that through a fitness routine, I’ll be able to better manage my symptoms.

Thanks for hanging around even through this ugly post. I have signed up for a race in June. I will be training for it by running outdoors. I think that signing up for a race is a good way to encourage myself to work out.

Ease up on me

I went at it hard like I said I would. I was so good at it for 3 days. Day 4, I started thinking that I didn’t want to miss out on things like chocolate for the rest of my life because I like it. I don’t want to miss out on my cola because I like it. By the weekend, I stopped at a gas station and got a 32 ounce fountain soda. I didn’t want to go running even though the 2 runs I went on weren’t the worst. Except the smell of those awful pear tree blossoms that smell so much like dead fish, I questioned the cleanliness of the creek and the lake that I pass along my route. When I set out to get back in shape, it would suddenly work for me if I threw myself into it. What happened was that I got in over my head and I quickly started thinking I was drowning.

So, back to it. I’m shooting for healthy and fit.  I hope I look and feel good in the long run. I’m not diving in full force, but I’m not going to just dip my toes in and keep whining about how it’s too cold to get in. I purchased meal replacement protein shake mix and almond milk to blend with it. I plan to use that for either breakfast or lunch, but not both. I bought some of my favorite fruits and veggies to munch on. I already had a pear today when I felt like snacking after breakfast.

My plan of action is completely different from the last time because you have to change your plan to make your goal happen when you see the plan isn’t working. Life is always changing;We’re always changing. I see no reason to continue along a road where I’m making myself miserable.

I signed up for a June 5k in St. Louis. I hope I will be back to running 3 miles daily in the next couple of weeks. If you’d asked me a week or two ago, I’d have said that I was going to just go out and run 3 or more miles every day and force myself to do it. Now, I realize that I need time. I need to build up to it and I’m ok with that.

My self talk is still negative. I feel like I’m fat and I’d like to just hide from the world until I’m not anymore. I feel like the struggle to not be fat is too hard. I get it, people who have never been overweight. “Eat less. Move more.” Trust me, I understand. I’m not sitting around my house eating fast food and watching TV. I hate most fast food joints and my favorite TV show is hockey. I don’t know who the characters are on any ‘real housewives’ or ‘bachelor’ shows. I have no idea what soap operas are still on. I play with my kids. I keep my house clean. If we’re eating something breaded, I haven’t fried it. So, if you think that I exaggerate my efforts and that this isn’t hard, you’re absolutely a judgemental flake. This is extremely difficult and I’m trying. So, next time you see someone heavy and think they need to ease up on the cheeseburgers, or you see a thin person and think they need to eat a cheeseburger, how about you get yourself one and shove it up your butt. That’s how I feel about it. The size of anyone else is none of your business. That said, I think my inner dialogue wouldn’t be hateful if there weren’t people out there who felt it necessary to pass harsh judgement on people who aren’t the size that we associate with normal. If someone specifically insults your size, know that this is something s/he hates about him/herself and it has nothing to do with who you are.

Oh, and if anyone wants to hire me a personal trainer to show me some stuff, I’d love that.

Finding my way back

I finally did some purposeful movement Sunday night. That is, more than for the purpose of getting from one spot to another. I told myself that I’d work out for 15 minutes on the elliptical before I set out to do it. When I got to 15 minutes, I asked myself if I was really ready to stop since I’d set the program to 30 minutes. I decided I should try to go a little longer. Then, when 20 minutes had passed, I decided that if I could make it 10 more. I actually did it. I wasn’t too sore from it Monday (yesterday). I worked out again last night and used the music on my phone to keep me on the machine for 30 minutes. I even did resistance when I finished with my cardio workout. I ate mindfully all day Monday with my only indulgence being soda that I had in my fridge already. It was a nice way to bid my sweet cola goodbye or “see you later, but not often.” In the next couple of days, I plan to try to head outdoors for my first run in just over a month.

All of that said, I also weighed myself Sunday and Monday. I weigh more than I ever have in my life. I didn’t use the settings on the scale for muscle and water, so I’m not sure about those numbers. Today, I weighed 3 lbs less than yesterday, so I assume that there was a little water weight involved. Now to put the scale away until next Sunday and stick to it. I know that my clothes are snug, but I’m still not as big as when I was at my biggest before now. That doesn’t really make me feel better, though. I feel unhealthy. It isn’t just because the number on the scale. I’m often tired. I get winded when I carry my little one in a parking lot. I see a belly poking out no matter what pants I have on, so I’m always uncomfortable. I don’t feel like myself.

So, here I go again on the path to being a fit and healthy person. I’m not sure it will ever actually stick. I might just be a serial weight gainer/loser. I’m still trying, though. I’m not ready to accept that this is just who I am. I am probably putting the pedal to the metal pretty hard this time, but I really feel like I have to dive in all the way to see if it sticks longer this time. I’m hoping it sticks permanently.

I don’t use supplements and I try to eat well without buying things that are part of the latest fad. I buy energy granola bars for meal replacement sometimes. This time, I’m going to try to plan better for my meals so I don’t end up at a drive thru anywhere. I am also drinking water before and after I eat to regain control of my appetite. I refuse to let myself binge. Once I get better control of what I’m eating, I can add in occasional treats. My sweet tooth will have to enjoy prunes, which are sweet and rich tasting, and snacks that center around fresh produce. I want to succeed and to be the person I feel like on the inside.

Backsliding, then tumbling

Well, hello there! How have you all been? Yeah? Me? I’ve eaten like food is going to suddenly become scarce. I’ve worked out sporadically enough that I’m not really sure what to count as my last workout. Yep, it’s like that. I’ve also gained back every single pound that I spent so much time and effort losing. Even with my phone prominently displaying a photo telling me not to give up, I gave up. I feel no motivation to eat better or regularly work out. I want to lose weight, but I’m stuck. I feel like my efforts aren’t worth the results. Honestly, I like sweets and I have a hard time regulating myself when I get ahold of a treat. Most people can eat a couple of pieces of candy and satisfy the craving. Not me. I mindlessly eat it.

I have gained a better acceptance of myself, though. I’m not worried if other people think I’m fat. I’m not worried about the opinions of other people about my size. Perhaps caring less is a step in the right direction.

Why did you give up in the first place? It didn’t happen overnight. It happened over the past few months. I was gaining weight despite my efforts and I was less mindful of my habits once I felt like it didn’t matter. Every time I went running, I was having trouble. I was having problems breathing and I couldn’t finish a 3 mile run without stopping to walk and catch my breath. I would get teary eyed at the thought that I couldn’t force myself to just run. I haven’t even been going to my group runs because I’m embarrassed that I can’t run 3 miles continuously. I’ve been to the doctor and as I expected, there is nothing physically wrong. So, I’m discouraged.

So, what’s the plan, Jenn?  I’m going to take an extreme approach to my diet because I have to. I’m going to cut out ‘sweets’. No soda, no candy, no ice cream for a while. I’m going to limit cheats to every other weekend instead of every weekend. My diet is actually pretty healthy without the extra snacks and without soda. They could be part of a healthy diet in moderation, but my problem is moderation. If I cannot exercise will power, I need to remove the temptation. So, that’s the first step. I also plan to find a race to train for so I can’t make excuses not to run. I skipped the 10k that I was going to do because I never started training for it. I’m going to schedule my workouts and get up early if I have to. I’m even shopping local gyms for a membership. I might be embarrassed to work out in front of people, but it removes the weather excuse from the list.

I have a new gadget. I got a fitness tracker. I’ve had it for a month, yet I still haven’t hopped back into fitness. It can’t do the work for me. I like that it counts my steps and my miles. I do wish it were less conspicuous than a watch on my wrist. I think once I get moving more often, I’ll be more apt to beat my own best and meet my steps goals.

I think goals are an important part of getting healthy, but short-term goals are important to encourage yourself and feel like you’re actually doing well. While I want to lose lbs, I need to remember that I want to lose fat. Focusing too far into the future is the reason I sabotaged my journey. I could only focus on the road ahead instead of that I had travelled so far. Now I have to start from square one. This time, I’m going to work toward better goals and lose sight of the scale.

How many times have you needed to restart your fitness journey? Do you struggle with the way you think other people see you?

I appreciate that people read my words and I’m thinking about writing a little more into my past and about where I’ve been to bring me where I am. I think I’ll start a separate blog for it, though.

I’m a year older now

My birthday was Monday of this week. I’m now 34 years old. I have no great milestones to cover. This birthday was just like any other day. As is true for each one as you get older. It tends to serve as a reminder that I’m edging my way closer to old age.

I have not been great with my commitment to fitness. I didn’t enroll in the program for a 10k like I’d intended to. I haven’t been out running more than once this year. The weather really isn’t a good excuse, though. I have an elliptical machine in my bedroom and I could be using my free weights or resistance bands to get a good workout in. I’m making excuses. Shining a light through them is the only way to make sure that I’ll stop trying to use them and be committed. I can only blame myself for not being accountable for my commitment.

As far as eating healthy, I’m not doing poorly at it. I have caught myself snacking on sweets a couple of times. I’ve given in to soda cravings. I haven’t just scrapped the idea of eating healthy in spite of my mistakes. I made sure I had some iced tea ready to drink in place of sugary sweet soda. The tea has half of the sugar I used to drink in it. It still tastes good. I bought some of my favorite snacks that aren’t sugary or starchy. My favorites include colby jack cheese with an apple (think caramel apple), snap peas (raw or roasted with pepper like fries), and broccoli slaw.

While the scale has not budged much in either direction, I’m still getting healthier. Of course I get down on myself for not looking like Kate Upton does. I want to look as good as I feel. Honestly, who doesn’t want to look good? Fortunately, my husband is constantly supportive and complimentary. He tells me that even if I don’t see it, he can tell the difference. That’s actually really encouraging to me. So is hearing from a friend that I help motivate her to get fit. I can’t stress enough how support is a major part of this journey.

Is there someone you’ve seen that looks like they’ve lost weight or taken up a physical fitness hobby that you think deserves a compliment? Is it difficult because you feel a little unsure about yourself?

Missed ya!

I’ve been absent awhile. I need to work on my time management so I can do the things that make me happy more frequently. Putting the mess in my brain into words for other people to see is something that I know helps me out. Normally, I’m more likely to write when I’m on one extreme or the other. I just haven’t set the time aside to do it. I have thought of so many things I should jot down and put them off for far too long. I’ll do a quick catch up on things and work my way to the question I try to pose at the conclusion of my posts.

I’ve run 2 competitive 5k races this  year.  The first was a Superhero Dash in June. I dressed myself up in Superman gear and hit a personal record time of 30:29.  The second was the Susan G. Komen race for my area.  I ran my 5k in 30:01.  When I saw the time at the finish line approaching 30 minutes, I tried my best to get there before it hit. It is my best time for 5k so far. I came in exactly in the middle for the competitive runners. I would like to get that to 27 minutes or less, but I haven’t signed up for any more races. My husband came in 2nd for his age group. I hope to get a medal for placing in the top 3 at least once. I haven’t run in a month, which is unusual for me. I haven’t been setting aside the time and my excuses have been so good, I keep falling for them. I’ve blamed the kids, the weather, myself being sick, and it being dark outside. I was ill for a couple of weeks this month and that was a very real reason not to run. I was short of breath walking up the steps. I still feel a little under the weather, but I’m starting to think its time I get back off of my butt.

I have had a difficult time losing weight. That doesn’t help encourage me to maintain fitness because I figure I’ll weigh the same whether or not I put forth any effort. I haven’t gained anything in this last month that I’ve been inactive, either. While I find it defeating,it worries me. I still need to be active because I’m prone to getting depressed when I’m sedentary. The problem is often finding the right motivation to push through my excuses.

I eat healthy food because I like it. I try new things so that I don’t get bored with what I’m eating. Sure, I bake cookies or other sweets if I feel a craving. I don’t often deprive myself of what I enjoy, which can be harmful to my goals at times. This month, I gave up my favorite cola as a member of a motivational group on social media that challenged its members to do so.  I’ve had it 4 times since giving it up. That isn’t failure. I didn’t have one, then say “screw it” and. fall off the wagon completely. I’ve forgiven myself and moved on and slipped up a couple of additional times. It happens, but the change I’m going for doesn’t occur overnight or over the course of a month. Moments where I’m finding a small win help me more than telling myself that I’d probably look hotter in a dress if I was a size 5 instead of a size 12. I don’t react well to shaming myself or punishing myself. I also don’t react well to promises of rewards to myself. If you’ve heard that you need to be nice to yourself, it is true. I’m still working on that, of course. I’m not nice to photographs of myself that show my whole body. I don’t have nice things to say about my reflection when I’m dressing to go somewhere. I should, though. I’m still 20 lbs lighter and 2 jeans sizes smaller than I was when I started this journey. Slow progress is progress. Of course I wish it were faster. I wish I looked like I did when I thought I was fat in my 20’s. None of that says anything about who I really am and the people who think that it does, don’t deserve to get to know me. I’m pretty awesome. I keep moving forward because that’s the only way I have to go. Even if it takes me down familiar paths, I have to. Time only goes one way.

I’m still suffering from bouts with my depression. I’m still extremely uncomfortable with saying anything about it in detail. I apologize for being vague. It isn’t so much that I don’t want to talk about it as I don’t have the right words for the feelings of isolation and worthlessness that go along with depression. Along with it comes the social stigma and judgement from people who never have and likely never will have to endure the absolute low feeling that it causes.

I’ve covered my bases for the subjects I most often cover in my blog, except for parenting.  Another day, perhaps.

How do you motivate yourself to keep going toward your goals whether they are related to fitness or another life goal? Do you know what your “carrot” is to motivate you to keep moving forward?

Yes, I’m here

I missed my posting goal last week.  I normally try to have at least one new thing each week.  My closest friend was in town and I didn’t feel like getting on my laptop and posting while she was here.  It was great  having time with another adult during the day.  I kept on track with fitness while she was here, so I got a workout buddy, too.  I’ll have to say, I enjoyed having someone to work out with that wasn’t my husband asking if I’ve lost my mind.  The down side was that my two younger kids have been wild lately and the duration of her visit, they weren’t going to pretend to be little angels.  My oldest was rarely around, which is also par for the course.  I didn’t exactly follow healthy eating, but I didn’t go overboard.  

Since the last post, I’ve been running more frequently.  The weather has allowed me more opportunities to get outside for my workouts and I have been slowly improving my average mile time with each run.  I’ve also been using a training application (NTC) for my phone at home.  I’m considering using a feature on the application that arranges a 4 week training program with workouts and outdoor runs, but I would like to have a little more time to ease into it before committing.  Fitness is starting to come together for me.  

Now, about my eating.  I’ve been using my food tracking application daily.  It gives me 1300 calories a day and adds more on if I list having done a workout.  I typically eat around 1600 and the calorie burn helps it even out.  Easter came around this weekend and I have done very little to resist the temptation of eating the junk that I bought.  I also haven’t done well at tracking it.  In other words, I’m lying to the application even though my diary is private and other people can’t see it.  I’m ashamed of it, so I’m eating in secret.  I have still been eating fresh food with my meals and incorporating more healthy meals into my day.  I just binge on junk, too.  I’m mad at myself for it.

Finally, the depression is annoying.  I’ve been especially stressed out lately.  I don’t feel like taking care of other people constantly.  I don’t really even want to take care of myself.  I just want to crawl into bed and sleep.  I was feeling better than I had from November to March.  I thought perhaps the physical fitness was taking care of the mental health side of me.  I’m not saying that it hasn’t helped.  I feel more energetic after a workout even on the days I want to skip the workout and nap while the kids do or just watch TV.  That negative voice is still inside of me, though.  I feel like I’ll never reach my goal no matter how hard I try.  I feel that what I’m doing isn’t special because plenty of people have done it and been successful at a greater rate that me.  

I’m still trying, though.  Even with all of the negative emotions that I have towards what I’m trying to do, I believe that the end result is going to be something worth the time and effort.  Some days, I don’t believe it as strongly as others.  None of those bad days are enough to make me scrap the whole thing.  I can’t give up because I’ve given up before and come back to it, so its worth holding on to and trying to make it click this time.  The biggest mistake I’ve made in my journey has been throwing in the towel when I start to feel like what I’m doing doesn’t matter.  Starting over sucks way more than keeping it up and challenging myself.  

Can you think of how you get in your own way?  Do you have ideas on how to overcome that?  Do you have a  friend that can help you be accountable?  Think of someone that might need your help in keeping him/her accountable.  Maybe you can inspire each other.