Hurdles, not Barriers

I have been sick this week. Monday, I started out feeling weak and feeling a little “off” from my usual. My cheeks were rosy all day.  Tuesday brought full blown body aches, sore throat, and chilly bumps. I did a few home remedies in addition to ibuprofen. I felt well enough on Wednesday to think I wouldn’t die if I ran the one mile fun run with the kids I’d coached the past few weeks in a running/physical activity program. I lived, but it was kind of a tough mile. I felt much better once I cooled down from the run and was so happy I got to see the race. My 9 year old son ran his first 5k and I was determined to see him finish.

I haven’t worked out or ran [over a mile] since Monday. I said I was feeling weak. I used a PVC pipe instead of a barbell for overhead squats during a workout. I had a good run, though. I went 4 miles even though at 3, I was convinced I could just stop there and walk home. Three different people cheered me on from their cars on the road. I felt like I could push myself the additional mile and used the cheers as fuel to actually do it.

I have not been feeling body positive. I haven’t been feeling that all the effort is worth the payout. I understand these things take time, but I’ve been doing it long enough to see better results. I’ve spent many days reflecting on whether I should continue my fitness journey or just scrap it. At the center of it all, I just wanted to avoid being fat and I am still obese. I understand that my body can do amazing things, but I’m told that most of the things I want to accomplish require a smaller person. I’m trying so hard to be lighter and I’m not. I’m trying to be more muscular and I’m just not.

Then, there’s issues at home. Mostly one person. I refuse to give it anymore than that much space on here.

I am going to take another day off from the gym, but I might need to do some running since I need some time to process and ask God what to do. He’s always faithful. I know that. He somehow keeps me from self destructing when I feel like I might implode.

Random thoughts: I’m never quite mentally sound when I’ve been physically sick. I get tired of being cooped up and unable to do everything I normally do. Even the things I don’t enjoy frustrate me when I can’t do them like when I feel well. I’ve been taking supplemental Omega 3 for my depression, but I honestly think much of what has been labelled depression in me is actually a result of hormonal fluctuations likely caused by external stressors.

My husband knew how terrible I was feeling and came home on his lunch break to talk me up and give me hugs and kisses. I actually already feel differently than when I was typing the above.

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Half Marathon/Cross Training

Things have been crazy. I feel like I never know what I’m doing from one day to the next, which is mostly true in the fitness aspect of my life.

I’ve been working out at the gym nearly daily with crossfit workouts. Fitting run time in has been difficult because there isn’t much to do with the kids during a run. I recruited a neighborhood teen last week for one of my runs because I needed to burn off the crazy. My husband was out of town on business and my kids had reached that point in summer break where they can’t be in close proximity without someone getting hurt [physically or emotionally and often both].

I had been off of my depression meds for a couple of weeks and had a day from hell Monday. I was set off by a bad weigh in. I started crying the moment I got back into my car with the kids in tow. Each tried to ask me what was wrong, but they’d been fighting during the weigh in and I’d grown weary of asking them to stop. I cried many more times and for long periods that day. I talked to my husband and to my best friend. I got my emotions under control. I spent the rest of the week very stressed out, but not feeling like my emotions were getting the best of me. I used to be easily driven to tears, but it has been a long time since I openly cried about anything.

Daily, I went to the gym and planned to run independently. I would stay in my workout clothes all day as a reminder that I still had something to do. A run didn’t happen until Thursday. I finally asked a friend if her teen could help me out. I took an hour to go on a very hot afternoon run. It was amazing, honestly. I had a new playlist. I had one of my water bottles frozen for my fuel belt. It was hot outside, but I was finally running faster than I have been lately. I was able to keep up the speed and I probably could have gone further had I not wanted to get back to the kids. Funny how I needed nothing more than to get away from them, but wanted to get back to them.

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Those are optishokz sunglasses/earphones…

Friday, I knew my husband was coming home from his business trip. I cleaned house most of the day so he’d come home to the house looking perfect. I had time for the gym and I went knowing he’d be home around the same time my workout was complete. That workout nearly broke me. Conditioning was simple. Squat cleans and push ups in varying reps that reduced in each set. Except, I couldn’t do a squat clean correctly and I was supposed to try to challenge myself from the push ups I normally did. My first round of push ups, I couldn’t do more than 3 in a row and my eyes filled with tears by the time I hit 10. I could not be seen crying, so I put my head down and kept trying. I had to bring my leg forward to get my body up a few more times. When I went back to the bar for the squat cleans, I slammed the weighted bar into my shoulder. I started thinking I couldn’t finish the workout and planning to quietly give up. I set down the bar and I stripped weights off of it and continued. I wound up going back to the pushups I normally do [with the plyo box set up at its tallest]. I finished the workout, cleaned up, and went home to my husband finally being back from his trip. I burst into tears instantly. Everything had been so hard all week and I finally got to see him, but I was mad and stinky. He insisted that I wasn’t bad at everything I tried athletically because most people wouldn’t even try. We scheduled me a massage to try to help me relieve the stress. I was still kinda pissed that I bruised myself again right after the Warrior Dash bruises faded.

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I need to accept that I just have bruises all the time.

I skipped Saturday morning gym time in favor of a visit to my local farmer’s market. I got my massage and went to a local restaurant for an old fashioned and a brie appetizer. I feel much less stressed. I don’t feel doomed to live my life in a loop like I did. I am still aware of the repetitive and often frustrating nature of life. I’m glad to admit that I typically don’t let my mood determine my manners and most people were probably unaware of my feelings unless I said something. If anything, I was the amusing kind of damaged person with the dark sense of humor. That seems to be my prevailing personality anyway.

Tomorrow, I run. I’m shooting for 5 miles. I don’t actually need to hit that distance for 2 more weeks, but I want to do it. Wish me luck and good training vibes. I don’t think I can PR the half in Detroit, but I want to get closer to it than I’ve been since my 2016 injury. I want to believe I’ll be in PR shape by October 20th. I’m still considering Indy in November. Gotta get the “N” medal now that I have the “I” and the “Y” is the year I turn 40…

Thanks for reading! I hope you’re having a great summer! The hot part is kind of just beginning in the Midwestern US, but it’ll be gone before race day, hopefully.

I Dashed. Warrior Style.

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It is Monday and I am still excited from my Saturday adventure. I did the Warrior Dash in Joliet, Il. I have stories, bruises, and other souvenirs from that day.

My best friend, Liz made me do it. Well, she kept mentioning it to me until I signed up, so that makes it her fault. We traveled together, but didn’t do the course at the same time. She trains for obstacle course racing (OCR) and I stick to my crossfit and running. She went in a competitive wave at 8am and I chose to go at 9:45am when I registered.

We showed up early and parked in the first row (but still fairly far down). We went in to a table and initialed and signed away our lives on a waiver in order to claim our bibs. Once we had the bibs, we got our tee shirts and I stashed mine away to ensure no post race mud would touch it. We had to go back to get the hats they’d neglected to pass out. The setup was like a fair. There was a stage, a DJ, food tents, people giving samples of things, games with giveaways, a zipline, a kids area (with dirt to play in), a place to buy souvenirs, a beer tent, and all of the race related tents in one large area.

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I love the shirt!

I watched Liz start and tried to see if I could locate her anywhere on the course. With no luck or understanding of how they set up, I camped out under a tree until the first person approached the final 2 obstacles. After watching Liz finish, we took pictures and made our way to wait near the start for my wave. I was getting antsy and almost took off in an earlier wave to avoid waiting, but I went with the 9:45 wave.

Mrs. Muddington’s Mounds: The first obstacle set my mood for the course. It was mud puddles and mounds to climb. People were lined up to drop into a pool of muddy water. After entering, the mound to climb before me was higher than my hands could reach from the water. It was also higher than the person in front of me. When we got to the mound, I laced my fingers together and told her to step up. She asked me if I was sure and I said, “I’m already muddy. Yes.” I helped another and then they turned around at the top and pulled me while someone else pushed from behind. Upon reaching the top, I turned around and grabbed the next person and pulled with all of my might. I was so proud of myself for being able to pull another person toward me as I slid down the other side of the hill into more muddy water.  We repeated a similar task with the help of others and helping others up. It was energizing and I felt strong. The final muddy pool was just a short climb out. Upon returning to running, I thought about how incredible it was with people working together with strangers and being so kind to one another.

Fo Shizzle My Drizzle: The next obstacle was a soaked balance beam, or a wet wooden 4×4 interrupted by a wet ramp climb back onto the board to the end of the pit. The water turned off upon our approach. We didn’t get rinsed by the water, but the boards were still wet to walk upon. I walked gingerly across the board, but the climb wasn’t bad once I turned myself around to go down the other side.

Oscar the Ouch:  This obstacle was a slanted wall, climb down the other side and belly crawl over grass and under barbed wire. I was a little surprised at how high the barbed wire was from the ground and crawled on my knees through it. I had anticipated the need to crawl on my elbows for this one.

Devil’s Crack: This obstacle was bear crawling in covered muddy trenches for 20 feet, then through muddy water into another 20 feet of muddy trench and back out. I probably did it faster than some since I stayed up off of my knees and kept my hands on the trench sides. I hit my head on the 2×4’s that were across the entries and exits of each trench. I was slightly pissed off when I did it exiting because I’d put my hand on the board to prevent braining myself again and I still did it.

The Damn Dam: This is also known as a warped wall. There were people waiting in line to run up the center of the 40 foot tall vertical wall to grab the top and descend the other side. There were strategically placed boards on either side to climb on, so I asked people around me if they were going to go that way and if use of the side was cutting in line. After several people reassured me, I quickly ascended most of the wall. I reached the top board and I couldn’t pull myself up and my feet were sliding off of the other board that I needed to push with my feet. I wiped mud from the rig and my shoes, flung it to the ground, and tried in vain to get my foot to stay put while I pulled with my arms. I threw my body upward and slid back time and again. I joined hands with a girl who’d climbed past me. She held my arm until I slung my leg up to the top and pushed with all of my strength to get up there. I sat momentarily terrified of descending the other side. Once I turned my body, I went as fast as I could to get down to the ground. I hugged each board as I went down as if my feet were still sliding. This might sound “awful” or whatever, but this obstacle was something I remember fondly.

Upslide Down: Mud puddle, slides laid flat with rope netting over them. Lay on your back and pull  yourself backwards along the length of the slide. Liz’s tip for me was, “Keep your mouth closed or dried mud will fall in.”  I instantly understood this advice as dirt crumbled onto my face with each reach of my arms. This obstacle made me feel kind of badass because my arm strength in pulling myself along on the slide while reaching as far as I could with each pull so I could finish quickly.

Climb and Punishment: This was set the opposite way from the warped wall (Damn Dam) that I’d completed because I hadn’t run up the smooth side. The ascending side was 2×4’s set up similar to a ladder and the descending side was boards set into a wall. There was no more than a spot to turn around at the top of this one, though. I did my turn around by throwing my body over the top and dangling my legs to find the next foothold. It worked well and it was probably from Liz comparing it to bareback horses when talking to me about the course. While never having to have done that, her explanation was enough for me.

Splitsville: I honestly thought this was going to be where the 5k and 10k races broke off until I saw that it was an obstacle where 4×4 wood planks were secured to wobbling chains flanked by loose chain handrails with murky water below. I walked gingerly about halfway through until the board started to rotate beneath my feet and I needed to grab the chains on the sides and take huge steps to complete the obstacle. I was amazed at how quickly I’d done that one and heard someone behind me comment, “Wow, that went by faster than I expected.”

Warden’s Wall:  Completely vertical cargo nets. Two on either side of a single shorter one. I decided to do the shorter one and I climbed up to the top, grabbed the spot to pull myself over, and had a bad gut feeling. I didn’t go over. I descended on the ascending side and walked around this setup. I turned my head to look back and saw someone fall. I heard this unforgettable sound and I thought I saw blood trickle from his forehead. Then, I saw people surround him and I bolted for the next aid tent and asked them if paramedics had been called. They said they had, so I went to another tent and repeated my message to the other. I convinced myself to go on so I could see a familiar face and let Liz know I was okay. I hope he was okay and an ambulance did arrive shortly after the incident.

Warrior Roast: This was FIRE! Jump over a fire. It wasn’t too difficult, but probably looked cool in the photo that they took while I jumped. It was over quickly and I didn’t feel much heat from the fire on my muddy legs.

El Capitan: Tall obstacle. Ladder type climb up to cargo net for more upward climbing ending on a platform with a huge slide. My poor ass and that sun heated slide. I made the cute picture face as long as I could, but then squealed with displeasure at my hot butt. This is where the crowds gather toward the finish line.

Muddy Mayhem: Mud pit with barbed wire over the top. There was a man eating lunch and he announced that the barbed wire was real and the mud would swallow your shoes, so he would advise we just swim through. I hopped in, put my arms down and pulled myself through while my rear end floated at water level. I heard people behind me yelling about a lost shoe. I found a foot hold at the end and pulled myself out still feeling pretty pleased with my new found strength to pull my weight. I looked like a mud monster.

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The mud monster. That one is me.

Finished!  I got my medal as soon as I crossed the finish. My race bib was covered and hanging by 2 pins and one was because I’d reattached when I saw it was only dangling from one pin. I got a protein shake placed in my hand and Liz came to the finish and twisted the cap off for me right before I took the whole thing down in one chug.

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Washed it. This bib has seen things…

So. Much. Fun.

She took me to rinse off at the hoses and it did a lot, but nobody would ever be able to tell that I’d rinsed off. I changed clothes in a communal changing tent and tried to get as much mud off as possible, but I was just less covered.

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Left is before/Right is after rinsing off

I got my free beer and had a meal before driving a couple hours home and taking a real shower and a real nap. I discovered so many bruises from this adventure and I consider them badges of honor. I totally show them to everyone I encounter because I want to tell them about how awesome my race was. We should mention that I bruise easily and none of them actually hurt as bad as they look. I didn’t feel any of them when they happened and I thank God for helping me get through this.

 

 

Thanks for reading! I had so much fun! I’m going to link the obstacles here so you can look if you want. Also, this race has the opportunity to raise money for St. Jude, so you should do it if you’re on the fence about it. Warrior Dash Obstacles

Now I have to start half marathon training…

 

 

Purple Slime…all in my rug

I can’t even with this summer break stuff. There is purple slime embedded in the carpet in the playroom. At least the rest of the room is clean?

This week is going to be crazy and I’m prepared. We had a death in the family and will be driving a few hours away to spend time with family in addition to attending the services for my husband’s late Grandma. I’ve teared up each time I’ve talked about her since her passing. She will be missed.

We already had plans for the weekend involving a trip to St. Louis for my husband and younger kids to go to a party. I’m signed up to do a Warrior Dash on Saturday with my closest friend, Liz. She’s going to be my ride back home from St. Louis since my family is staying behind and it’s her fault I’m doing this crazy race.

Today, I woke up at 5 am and couldn’t get back to sleep, so I got out of bed. I’d already set out clothes to work out in, so I put those on and went to the gym for a 6 am class. Last week, the kids were with me for all of my gym visits. Solo gym visit was nice. The next two days, I actually have to attend class at that time. Then, I’ll miss the next 4 days. When I go back, it’ll be in a new building closer to home (YAY).

I’m not finished weaning from meds (prozac), but it hasn’t impacted my weight. Nothing I’m trying has affected my weight. I honestly thought it would at least change my appetite. I’m not energetic like when I first lowered my dose, but I don’t feel worse from a psychological standpoint. I’m physically stronger. I wish my body showed strength instead of a belly that sticks out when I look at my reflection. I’ll keep doing my thing, though. I enjoy my workouts and I’m about to start training for my fall half marathon.

The heat and humidity has started up in full force and I’m getting tempered to it. While I’m not having any luck losing weight, I see progress in myself and I like it. Don’t forget to look for the things changing that encourage you. I know I sometimes forget.

Thanks for reading! I’ll have to come back to talk about my Warrior Dash.

Photo is after my 4th of July run that was around noon. I think Alexa trolls me with this song.

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Not the worst 5k

Today, I ran a 5k race in a nearby town. I wasn’t planning to, but decided I could use an excuse to get up and run on a Saturday morning. Keeping things interesting is part of what keeps me motivated.

It was hot outside. I actually felt confident. I wore the right clothes and I was well hydrated. It was themed around the 4th of July, so I donned my finest patriotic running gear. I put on my NUUN hydration tattoo and filled my water bottle with mango orange sport (caffeinated). I’ve gotta say, I used my Urban Decay 24/7 eyeliner to fill a spot I messed up applying the tattoo and it did not sweat off. I’m impressed. I ran into people from the crossfit gym where I’m a member and exchanged pleasantries. I guess they’d planned ahead to meet at the race.

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I started with no incident and pulled back to a slower pace with the intention of running the entire course with walking water breaks. I did that for about 1/2 of the course before allowing myself to walk for 1 minute because my pace had slowed too much from target and I needed to get my body back. I kept having surges where I would run faster. My second mile was not what I wanted. My third was like I was having a series of power surges. I’ll post my graph from Garmin because it truly shows how inconsistent my second half was.

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There was once a time where I’d think to myself, “Oh well, I did my best.” Today, I didn’t. I was nearly in tears walking to my car to drive home. I actually did cry about it after I got home. I finished today’s race almost 10 minutes slower than my best time (28:45). My worst time was in Chicago in the dead of winter (55 minutes). I was pissed that people who aren’t as committed to running as I am finished before me. I sucked today. I didn’t even feel like a runner.

Nothing has helped me with how I feel about my results and I doubt it will. I’m competitive. Against others and myself. I don’t feel like I fit in with my running groups anymore. I don’t feel like I fit in with people at my gym. I’ve accepted long ago that I’m meant to be a bit of a loner. I just don’t always like feeling that way.

Thanks for reading. I’ll get over my finish time. I’m sure I’ll be taking it out on myself when I run tomorrow. I’m done recovering from my 2016 running injury and I’ve put a lot of effort into coming back. I’ve got to get it together before 2021 so I can run another marathon in my 40th birthday year because I’m still not over my Chicago Marathon 2017 finish time.

 

More productive

I visited my doctor for a routine medicine checkup. I showed her the printouts from my weigh ins and asked if we could try to stop one of my medications. I wanted to see if I had more success in losing weight. So far, I’ve been weaning for a little over a week. Aside from a few headaches, I haven’t had negative side effects. I’m following her instructions to the letter for this process.  I would suggest anyone trying to stop a prescription discuss a plan with the doctor in detail and follow that.

The positive side is that I’ve been productive in my waking hours. Where I sometimes felt afraid to leave the house or too weak to complete tasks, I’ve been accomplishing things that I’ve been intending to do for awhile. I have decluttered, reorganized, and improved many spaces in my house. It is a step in the right direction for me.

I’m hoping this leads to progress with my fitness and nutrition, but I’m also glad that I feel good and I’m actually feeling a little more positive about my slow progress than I was before. I’m ok with shifting to a lower body fat percentage without a big change on the scale.

Now I’m trying to get an idea of what to change to fit my running plans and crossfit into my busy days. This might mean early mornings, which I hate. I don’t understand how people function on such a small amount of sleep because I don’t see myself being finished with the daily house things in time to be in bed by 9 or 10.

My dad has more info on his condition. He has stage 4 non hodgkin’s lymphoma type b. Treatment will begin soon and will involve a form of chemotherapy. Prayers are appreciated and miracles are anticipated. I am optimistic at this point that he’s going to fully recover and go into remission. Regardless of my hopes, God is taking care of him and is there for comfort.

I’m currently anxious about running the Warrior Dash in Joliet in July and training for my October half marathon. Taking so much time off of long distance running has made a difference in how I feel when I run. My speed has improved even with only 3-6 miles per week running.

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I’ll let you all know how the medicine changes go. Thanks for reading! I hope you have some optimism about the uncertain things in your future.

 

I’m back because hockey ended…

I am back to my blog. I LOVE HOCKEY! I’m a lifetime St. Louis Blues fan, which means that my team hadn’t won the Stanley Cup until this year. It was spectacular and fantastic and amazing. My husband took off of work on Friday so we could drive to St. Louis and go with the kids and my in laws to the Stanley Cup parade Downtown. The experience was something I’ll never forget. The players were interacting with the crowd and the crowd was electric.  We chanted for a young rare disease patient named Laila, who followed and cheered the Blues on to victory and became an important driving force for the team to keep winning. I shouted for each member of the Blues’ Alumni and each player and coach that came by and so did the crowd. The energy was just beyond words.

I’m one of those women who follows some sports and enjoys them. I won’t answer any questions about obscure players or rules to prove myself or my fandom. I don’t require validation or permission to watch. It’s sad that women face that type of criticism for enjoying something.

Here’s some pics of my weekend fun! I’ll be back for running stuff. Just wanted to share one reason I’ve been away from the blog. Missed you!

Rather Often, Actually

I’m a mom of 3. Things get hectic. I explore ways to maintain my identity, discover new things I enjoy, and to avoid burning out completely.

The phrase I hear the most often when someone wants me to do something: When was the last time you did something for yourself, mom? 

  1. I’m not your mom.
  2. That statement is actually more likely to provoke mom guilt if I do it because you’re kind of labeling it selfish.
  3. I’m not going to tell you all the awesome things I opted to do for me.

Each year, I do something that is especially “me” centered. I train for races and travel for at least one with my girlfriends. I trained for a marathon twice, for goodness sakes. Last year, I had LASIK done. It took me less than a year to pay it off and I am pleased with the results. This year, I’m finally starting to have my teeth fixed. It might not seem like anything, but they’re expensive. I’ve avoided doing anything about them for the fear that I’ll use money that we’ll need for something more important as a family. I finally have a full set of bottom teeth! I couldn’t resist taking a selfie as soon as I left the dentist today.

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Before and after

I do stuff for myself all of the time. I sometimes forget to take the time out to do it. I can’t afford to invest my time and/or money in every whim I get to try something. I spread myself a little thin with time anyway, so fitting that “me” stuff in can be challenging. AND….rewarding.

There shouldn’t be guilt attached to spending time investing in yourself. There’s also no limit to how much is acceptable. I spend time on my fitness most days of the week. That doesn’t mean I can’t do something other than that for me in addition to working out.

Thanks for reading!

Choosing Joy (Trying to)

I’ve started to write a post and deleted it a few times. I’ve been thinking things that I connect with negative emotions and didn’t want to spout negativity.

I often feel spread too thin. Instead of feeling satisfaction from the things I do, I get the feeling that I’m not doing enough. It isn’t entirely in my head. There is societal pressure to put more and more on my plate. The Scouts need people. I’m a people. I want to help. School needs people. I’ve got that, too. I want to be active in my community. I find those opportunities and fit them in. At church, I attend and volunteer in two different positions and they insist that I join a small group. The pastor has spoken about not being obsessed with being busy. I’m not sure I understand how people can’t be constantly busy by contributing where they’re involved. Then, I’ve been trying to find part time work and to switch my body fat percentage with my muscle mass. I also have opinions about the way that my multi level marketing job works, but I’m going to stick that one in my pocket for some other time. I enjoy doing things, but the sense that it isn’t enough is what impacts how I feel about myself for doing them.

I realize everyone has challenges and their own form of busy. I get it. If someone is having a hard time, I’m not getting out my yardstick to measure how hard their hard is compared to mine or anyone else. I believe them. Tell me you’re tired and I believe it. I’m not going to compare how tired I am. I hope you find rest. I don’t need to win.

So there’s choosing joy. I am blessed to have kids that need things from me. I am able to work out and able to run. I’m blessed to not have the problems I’ve had in past years that kept me from being as active and involved as I’d wanted to be. I am more at peace with my life now that I’ve invested time in my faith in God and my Christianity.

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I found people who wanted to run with me if I’d just ask. When I’m working out, I stay on top of the positive. Being outwardly positive draws it inside. I’ve made progress in fitness. I’d gained a few pounds only to find out I’d decreased my fat mass and increased muscle. I can do weighted sit ups and I can pull my body up while holding on to rings. These things were not something I could do before the fat shred I did in March. Considering it hasn’t been very long and I’ve made that much progress, I’m feeling optimistic about the future with my health and fitness.

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I recently discovered my dad has non hodgkins lymphoma, so prayers are appreciated. I don’t know a lot since the diagnosis was very recent and will require a lot of tests prior to treatment.

I want to keep my eyes on the positive. I trust God with my paths.

Now my kids are acting crazy and literally screaming, so I have to get to them. They’ve hit their limit of unsupervised time, I suppose. Thanks for reading! I try to be here weekly. Comments and suggestions are always read and appreciated. Thanks!

 

 

Developing New Phobias

I have felt increasingly crappy over the past week and my husband was on a business trip, so there was little to no reprieve. I felt the worst on days after I’d spent time outdoors. One day was a field trip to the local zoo with my daughter’s class. The next morning when it was time to run, I opted to do it indoors. I hopped on the rower at the gym for a warm up and did a few box jumps and burpees. On the treadmill, I ran a half hour hill program. I didn’t die of boredom. My headphones died mid run and my focal point was a crack in the wall.

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Zoo trip!

 

I was on a cleanse this week because the results of my weigh in. It helped curb my cravings for junk. What it didn’t stop was my obsession with food choices and whether I’m choosing correctly and how I can fit my “sometimes foods” into my all of the time eating plan so I don’t fall into binge eating again. It helps that the author of the Binge Code, Ali Kerr, sends me emails with encouragement and reminds me that it could take a long time to get on the right path from disordered eating. The most recent email addressed clean eating and seemed so timely and appropriate for me that it helped me through.

I have been fortunate to spend the weekend resting and getting better from whatever made me feel sneezy, sniffly, exhausted, and all of the fun allergy sensations. I don’t know that the allergies made me tired as much as needing extra antihistamine and decongestants. Resting meant that I missed my “long run” this weekend. I’d planned 4 miles and not only am I anxious over my eating habits, I’m afraid to get behind on my fitness. I lost so much endurance over the winter. I was gaining speed until I had to take off for awhile when I was sick. I’ve developed a phobia of backsliding in nutrition and fitness. Some may think that is a good problem to have, but the anxiety alone makes my headspace a strange place to be.

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Nap Partner

I’m going to figure out how to deal with it, of course. I want to enjoy training this summer for the half in October. I don’t feel like I have friends to run with now that I’ve slowed down and I’m having trouble getting my speed back. It isn’t that I mind running alone, but sometimes the accountability comes with meeting up with people to do the run. I also miss the people I used to run with and feel a sense of missing out on the people I really enjoyed so much time with in the past.

I weigh every two weeks, so the end of this week will be my day to see progress in what I hope is the right direction. My clothes fit differently. My tee shirts are a little loose and my pants pull up more easily. I think that says a lot about progress. I intend to find balance with my eating where I’m not thinking about peanut butter cups or chocolate ice cream when I’m getting ready to go to bed at night. The plan doesn’t involve completely wiping those things out of my eating. They’re “sometimes foods” and I intend to incorporate them to avoid binges.

Do you have fitness friends? Do you prefer to work out alone? Do seasonal allergies take you down? I hope you try to find your balance. I’m hoping I find mine.

I’m also praying. I have anxiety and worries, but I invite God’s help. I think it has brought me peace, but also joy. I have joy in spite of these minor things that worry me. I have faith that I’m going to get better.