I haven’t written on my blog since October 17th. I didn’t think it was that long ago, but I checked to confirm. I’ve kept busy at the gym, started a new job, and went back to running only to sideline myself again for pain. I’ve been regularly going to therapy and I think it has helped somewhat in dealing with the stress and the self image problems.
In October, I had a crossfit competition with a partner and had the divisions been by age, we would have probably been at the very top. We wound up tying for 3rd place and missing the podium because the way the scoring was set up. We still had fun together and I got to say that I did a partner competition once. I don’t know that I would do it again, though. The competition part was really hard on me emotionally and I don’t know that I want to experience it again.
I also did a Deka fit competition at a different gym as a fundraiser to support causes for a fellow local runner who was diagnosed with breast cancer for the second time. The competition was fun and really challenging. I think I would do that again just because there are different styles of the same type of competition.
I started the running streak that goes from Thanksgiving to New Years Day, but I realized that pushing through the foot pain wasn’t going to make me well prepared for my spring half marathon. I’m still not ready and I’m not sure I will be in time to start training. It might be time to retire from the longer distances, which I never thought I’d need to decide upon doing.
I’ve been extremely hard on myself for everything related to my body. I associate my value as a person to how I look on the outside and what other people think of me. I see a photo of myself and I am instantly tearing myself apart. I see every imperfection on my face and I ruminate on everything I say and do to find the faults. I’ve pushed myself to tears taking selfies because I couldn’t make my facial features look perfectly symmetrical. I also think I look terrible in every photo I see of myself that other people take. No amount of validation helps it because I see it and nobody else’s vision of me matters in those moments.
I’ve been really down on myself for not losing weight despite my efforts. I’ve even gained some recently because the amount of overwhelm and stress I’ve felt. I see what people say online. “They’re excuses, you’re not trying hard enough, you’re not disciplined, nobody cares, work harder.” It might not be directed at me, but I use those words to cut at myself; To shame myself for not being strong enough or disciplined enough to reach my goals. I’m just not good enough and if I was a better person, I could lose weight and keep it off. I shouldn’t let stress make me gain weight and I should have the time to eat right and the self control to only eat one treat every now and then. I am weak. I shouldn’t enjoy the food that I do and I should be ashamed of it.
All of that leads me to my visions and goals for 2022. I’m calling it: Screw it. The scale is under the bed. There are no goals related to my body. I will not count calories or macros. I have to learn to speak about myself lovingly ,unfollow those who make me feel “less than,” and not focus on what I can’t do. I will ignore the culture of toxic positivity and being too busy. If I can just stop valuing myself based on how round my belly is, I’ll consider it a success.
Best of luck on your endeavors in the coming year! Thank you for reading!
*As I came back through to edit this, I realize I missed a lot of highlights. My job is a little stressful, but it has helped me a little by getting me out of the house and I feel good about the work that I do. I had a great Christmas. I’m in a group online where we do fitness accountability and it is very low pressure and I enjoy it since I’m missing out on the streak miles accountability.