We’re all really just improvising anyway.

I started to write a few times last week and I couldn’t seem to find the words for what I wanted to say. I’ve been hard on myself for gaining weight that I can definitely see on myself in the mirror and on the scale. It has impacted the way I view myself as a whole. Why can’t I control my eating? Why can’t I just be consistent? Why is it so hard for me to avoid things that I have to go out of my way to eat? Why can’t I be good at [diet, crossfit, being an adult]?

I started to wonder why I’m not really skilled at anything in particular. I often start this as a way to shame myself for not feeling good enough. I pick myself apart. One of the most common things I find over and over is that I have not one thing I can point out and say that I’m great at doing. I usually get very kind responses when I go back to this in my blog posts and I am appreciative. I just tend to compare myself to others and find ways to come up short.

When I really stopped and observed other people doing everyday, mundane things, I realized that many were basically winging it. The difference between them and I in some of the things was simply confidence. I even overheard someone say something similar to another person and it inspired me to write about it. *I’m not saying that a skilled surgeon is going into a difficult surgery and coming out successfully due to confidence. I’m saying that it can often apply in many of the skills we commonly are concerned about in ourselves: health, parenting, “adulting”, relationships, friendships, hobbies [especially fitness].

Comparison really can steal joy from your life if you let it. Everyone starts somewhere and the people who are open to learning are going to get the most out of the things that matter most to them.

I think another important factor is that no matter how much time is being put into something, there’s always room to improve. That doesn’t mean the investment of time didn’t result in something of value. It just means that we’re willing to take that payout and invest more for a higher value again. The real loss is if we just walk away and quit.

Yes, it is different if we have to give up. I understand that I’ve taken a few steps back because of my injury. I’m extremely frustrated with having to put back in time and effort I already have before just to get back to where I once was. I also intend to surpass that point, though. So I have to put in more than I expected.

I finally ran 3 miles recently, which is the longest run since December. I set out to run/walk up to 2 miles, but I was feeling good and had no pain. I used run/walk intervals of 5 minutes running, 1 minute walking and I made it all 3 miles with no pain during or after. FINALLY! I’m slowly coming back. I’ve not always been the best about optimism in the face of this challenge. I have been pretty good at shifting back to positive, though.

Here’s a pic of me post run:

That pace even with walk intervals. Nice.

Thanks for reading! I hope what I shared has value to you. Please feel free to ask me any questions in comments or message me. I love feedback! If you have a suggestion for a future post, I’d love to hear!

Things are rolling at a glacial pace…

I anticipated healing from my plantar fascia tear taking a long time. I felt like had a pretty good handle on the timeline. I have been doing my stretching and strength exercises to rehab my plantar fascia and strengthen my calves to prevent future injury. I’ve what my coach said and scaled my workouts accordingly [most of the time]. I’ve gotten impatient and tried to move ahead and done movements I wasn’t cleared for. Then, I got put back in my place and reminded that moving forward too fast could set me back for even more time than necessary.

I tried running twice. The first run, I did a mile around my neighborhood doing intervals. I felt some pain in my forefoot as opposed to my arch or heel. I’ve had issues there before. It’s commonly known as ‘turf toe’, which I thought was funny when it happened to NFL players. Not as funny when I got it. My second run, I set out for a mile on a flat part of trail. It was slow and hard to push through. There wasn’t pain during, but I had a lot of soreness in my heel afterward.

Neither of those runs were what held me back from going further. What happened was kind of predictable and I didn’t really tell anyone about it or post to my socials. I did an obstacle course run. When I say I stunk at it, I’m being generous to myself and my ego. I probably got 1 point on the whole course because I didn’t finish most of the challenges. I did have fun and would totally make an a** of myself again for the experience. The end of the race was the “warped wall,” which I got myself up and over. I jumped down onto a mat and landed hard on my uninjured right foot. I wanted to protect the left one. Dumb. I should have landed on my rear end. I felt pain in my foot, but when I pulled my shoe off I didn’t see any swelling. Later in the evening, it was swollen and it hurt to rotate. I’d sprained my ankle. Shoot. I babied it most of the week to allow healing time. It went away without needing to see a doctor. Thank God. I don’t know that I could have mentally handled another setback in this recovery.

Poorly planned landing…

I intend to try running again this week using intervals. I also intend to work in some cardio on a machine of some sort for 30 minutes for more a couple times a week. I hadn’t taken into account how badly my endurance would suffer by taking off of running for so long.

I haven’t been swimming because the pool where I would practice requires reservations and I typically don’t plan very far in advance for that. I don’t think a triathlon is in the cards this year. I do look forward to trying to train for Mo Cowbell Half Marathon in October. That’s really the only race I have on the schedule and its because I deferred it to this year from last. I’m hoping to be able to do more things with crossfit. I’m still working out most days of the week with that. My confidence in myself with that ebbs and flows. Some days, I have no idea why I keep trying and others, I can’t believe I went so long without it in my life. I honestly enjoy it.

My eating is still out of control. I can’t seem to be consistent. I eat too much or I wait too long to eat and feel sick either way. I started doing a subscription meal service for dinner to help with the problems that were stemming from me being frustrated planning meals. I’ve been sloppy with my lunchtime eating. Part of that is my work hours. School, and my job, will be coming to a close in a few weeks and that will change my schedule once again. My overall plan is to prep the meals in advance.

I’m extremely disappointed in myself for not losing more weight by now because vacation is quickly approaching and I’d hoped to feel confident in my two piece bathing suit. I don’t even feel confident in a t shirt and jeans right now. I know much of it is that I’m slipping into depression again. I can feel the exhaustion, irritability, and self doubt setting in and I’m trying to fight against it most days. I’m just so tired.

Thanks for reading! I will try to write more than once a month. It’s hard when I dip into depression because everything feels more like a chore.