Torn between wanting to write and not wanting to be boring

I’m in a strange mood. I’ve been talking more than usual to people and having conversations. That means I’m also spending more time re-playing those conversations in my head and cringing at how strange I must seem. I think of how I could totally correct what I said the next time I see that person, but there’s no natural way to bring that up in conversation. Try explaining to people that you went silent not because of what they said, but because you were trying to choose your own words carefully and not finding them.

My meds haven’t changed. My weight hasn’t even changed. I’m just holding steady, so maybe this is just who I am. So weird.

I took off of running for a little over a week after my birthday. I was pretty fast on my first run back. My little pitbull, Aurora accompanied me. Fortunately there weren’t many squirrels along the way despite the weather being warm that day.

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Aurora post run

I’ve been really enjoying my workouts at the gym. I’ve had new personal bests left and right. I got a new deadlift max. I figured out how to kick up to the wall for a handstand. I completed the most box jumps I’ve ever done at a taller height than I’ve been using. My box jumps have been onto plates stacked on top of one another. I finally added a plate and left it there instead of pushing it off after I got tired or scared.

I often feel inadequate at the things in which I apply myself. Having my weight at a plateau is frustrating. Feeling overwhelmed by my day makes me worry that I’m not a good wife and mother. I put a lot of pressure on myself. I want to be good at things and for everyone to see me as the person I’m trying to be. I’m just not sure why I care what other people think because most of the time, I don’t care.

I’m just not quite myself lately, but at least my depression is no longer trying to swallow me whole. I think I’m going to blame it on premenstrual brain, which seems to be way more sensitive than any other time of the month. Yes, I’m serious.

Thanks for reading! Hope this was helpful in some way. If not, sorry. I’ll be back with more fun soon. Half marathon training starts in February.

 

 

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