Quick recap. I have been diagnosed with post traumatic stress, major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety in the past. I have tried different medications and non prescription avenues to be cured of these illnesses to no avail. This year, I tried to go without medication and seek out an alternative treatment method. I believed that the medication was hindering my weight loss and I requested that I stop taking medication to see how I could manage without it and whether it affected my ability to lose weight.
The first month went fine and I began my alternative treatment using Nutrition Response Testing. Look it up if you would like because I’m just going to say that it didn’t work for me and it was not something I personally enjoyed doing.
I started having sleep disturbances first. I couldn’t sleep at night and that was when intrusive thoughts would creep in and I’d start to think I was going to die or that death would be the only way out of the anguish I was feeling. I understand how irrational that seems, but at the time, my brain was being a scumbag. My husband would hold me through the worst of it and stroke my hair until I stopped and went to sleep or crawled out of bed and went to another room so he could sleep. The nights I had to leave the room, my body would literally feel like it couldn’t sit still on its own. My joints would feel fluttery like I had to move them.
Also, I was crying over everything. I broke down in front of people more than once and couldn’t express that I was, in fact, crying over nothing at all. It just crept up on me and I couldn’t stop myself. I was embarrassed that I was too weak to control my tears. I have always seen emotion as a sign of weakness in myself and I never want to be weak or vulnerable in front of people. So, then I was angry with myself for showing weakness.
The worst was when I was nearing my half marathon. I was stressed out and sleep deprived from sleep disturbances. I couldn’t seem to accomplish the same things in a day that I once could. Things were slipping out of my reach. My husband was having to cook for the family after work because I couldn’t find the time or energy. I needed help with simple tasks including grocery shopping and laundry. I’m neat and I’m meticulous about it. This was not normal for me.
My husband was out of town on business the week before the half marathon. I was actually hesitant to let him go. I couldn’t bring myself to tell him I wasn’t quite myself and I didn’t know whether I wanted to live or not.
The final straw was after the anxiety/panic I had in the hotel in Detroit early in the AM. I decided when I asked my friend to take me home with her instead of waiting another day to go with other friends that I would spend my Monday trying to get help.
My doctor’s office took me in immediately and put me on new medicine after making sure that I was safe. The medicine works, guys. It’s been a little over a month and I’ve had very few anxiety attacks and none of them have completely sidelined me.
By the grace of God, I realized I needed help and I asked for it. I have long suffered from mental illness. I understand some people don’t believe in its existence. I also know that some believe that medication cannot cure it. It can’t cure everyone. It can treat it. I eat well and I exercise and I still have mental illness. That’s okay. Because my brain isn’t telling me that I don’t deserve to live another day for being broken. Don’t be afraid to ask for help because that’s how you’ll get better.
I still need to find talk therapy and work through some root causes of my panic and anxiety. I’m taking my medicine again, though. I’m still exercising and eating well. I am working against my brain being a scumbag.
Thank you for reading! I mostly write about my fitness experiences in addition to how I’m feeling mentally, but I felt compelled to dedicate a whole post to my experience this time.