Five Weeks Left!

There is a little more than 5 weeks left until race day. I am not thinking I’ll get a PR this time, but I had a less crappy long run last weekend than the previous long run. I went over my intended mileage and probably could’ve gone further if not for fear of injury.

garminconnect_20190908-174406

I’ve been coming out of the funk that I got into. I haven’t been crying as easily. I’ve had some realizations about my self image. I am sensitive to the way people treat me and I think I often blame myself when they treat me poorly. Here are some things I’m trying to accept:

  • I won’t always get the validation in which I desire. People do that because of themselves, not me. 
  •  Sometimes, when I’m feeling left out, I have to realize that I’m probably not going to fit in everywhere and that’s more than okay. 
  • My openness is not an invitation for criticism from people even if they believe it is. Their criticism comes from their own insecurities.
  • People will talk about me behind my back and it won’t always be kind. I should still be kind to people even in my thoughts. 
  • While I don’t let my mood determine my manners, some people will and often do. Dismiss the rude.

That’s not all, but that’s as general as I can get without pointing out specific people or situations in my life. I was fortunate enough to have kept a list of positive things my friends said about me on a post I’d made and it really helped me develop that list above.

I am excited to run 10 miles this weekend. In my mind, I could already run 13.1 miles this week. I am hopeful and I’m actually optimistic. I’m not delusional. I’m worried about the humidity and when I’ll fit in my run time. I’m worried that I’ll let people and situations get under my skin and make me feel bad about myself. I’ve risen from the idea that I need to drop out of the race I’m training for.

garminconnect_20190912-202846

My new job is challenging. I work with elementary aged children supervising their recess and lunch times. Some kids that seem so ready to fight or argue with their peers are the most receptive to open arms for a hug. Some of the kids I think of as sweet can be cruel to their peers out of nowhere. Some days are really upsetting and I go back to realizing that how the kids behaved had very little to do with my interaction with them. I try to guide as best I can. Each day is hard in its own way. I’m learning. They’re learning.

I made the gym 4 out of 5 days this week. I’m loving it. Except that the first 3 days, I got up at 5am to make the 6am class. This coming week, I’m going to go the 9am class instead. This means I have to rush to work after a shower, but I actually have to do it because of my husband’s work schedule for the week. We’ll see which one I prefer after next week.

Thanks for reading! I hope I’m encouraging or at least interesting.

Mid Training

I have been away from my blog. I have good intentions of making weekly posts. Honestly, I can’t imagine how bored you’d get with my mundane moments.

I’ve been training for the Detroit Free Press half marathon that goes from Detroit into Windsor, Canada and back. I did my 8 mile run scheduled for last week on Monday of this week. It was not great. While I’ve been pretty hard on myself for not getting back to the pace where I was at the beginning of this year, my 8 mile run was even slower. I hit a point where my best effort got me to a 14 minute per mile pace. I walked, and my running was only hitting in the 12 minute pace after that. My 10 minutes and better pace has gone and shows very little signs that it will return before my race. I’m bored running alone, but I can’t subject anyone to my pace inconsistencies. I’m considering scratching the race altogether just to save myself from the inevitable beating I’ll give myself for not being good enough to PR like I’d planned. I already renewed my passport and paid my entry, though.

garminconnect_20190902-124108

I know how sad that sounds and I don’t want to be a downer. I also don’t want people to mistake my emotions as a sign of regressing into depression since my doctor and I stopped my medication. It’s been difficult to have the emotions turned back on after being absent for so long. I’ve always been a sensitive person and I work pretty hard to keep that in check so people don’t expose it as a weakness.

I’ve been going to the gym regularly for crossfit classes. I got a part time job. I am using alternative medicine for my chronic health issues. There’s change and adjustment going on and stressful would be an understatement of how it feels. With the new job, I work during school recess and lunch hours, so I can’t hit class at the gym at 9am. With the class schedule at the gym, my only other option is to take an early morning class. I’m waking up and hitting the gym before the chickens are awake. With nutrition response testing, I’m writing down everything I eat, every time I poop [the consistency of it], and taking vitamins multiple times a day. I am trying to remember that all these things are somehow for the greater good and once I get into it, things will be fine. My anxiety says otherwise and I often hit fight or flight mode when I seriously need to be doing something [like sleeping or cooking dinner].

20190824_085855

I ran 6.6k on Rt 66. Not a bad pace that day.

I’m writing this instead of running before the kids get home. I understand that some of the problem is I’m not managing my time efficiently. I haven’t found the balance of when to do what so I’m not rushing or stressing. Then, there’s regretting. I meant to go to the gym yesterday in the AM and I couldn’t get up. I wanted to make time, but there was not a time where it seemed like I could.

I’m trying to be a good Christian, a good wife, a good mom, and a healthy person so I can do the rest for longer. It seems simple enough when put into a short description. It is not simple. It certainly isn’t easy. I mostly just hope that I am doing a good job at the things I’m trying so hard to do. My husband likes to say I’m too hard on myself and I don’t give myself enough credit. I like to say that he just says that to make me stop being upset. I guess at least we’re well matched.

I’ll be back… and hopefully have some order restored in life.

Thanks for reading!