I have felt increasingly crappy over the past week and my husband was on a business trip, so there was little to no reprieve. I felt the worst on days after I’d spent time outdoors. One day was a field trip to the local zoo with my daughter’s class. The next morning when it was time to run, I opted to do it indoors. I hopped on the rower at the gym for a warm up and did a few box jumps and burpees. On the treadmill, I ran a half hour hill program. I didn’t die of boredom. My headphones died mid run and my focal point was a crack in the wall.
I was on a cleanse this week because the results of my weigh in. It helped curb my cravings for junk. What it didn’t stop was my obsession with food choices and whether I’m choosing correctly and how I can fit my “sometimes foods” into my all of the time eating plan so I don’t fall into binge eating again. It helps that the author of the Binge Code, Ali Kerr, sends me emails with encouragement and reminds me that it could take a long time to get on the right path from disordered eating. The most recent email addressed clean eating and seemed so timely and appropriate for me that it helped me through.
I have been fortunate to spend the weekend resting and getting better from whatever made me feel sneezy, sniffly, exhausted, and all of the fun allergy sensations. I don’t know that the allergies made me tired as much as needing extra antihistamine and decongestants. Resting meant that I missed my “long run” this weekend. I’d planned 4 miles and not only am I anxious over my eating habits, I’m afraid to get behind on my fitness. I lost so much endurance over the winter. I was gaining speed until I had to take off for awhile when I was sick. I’ve developed a phobia of backsliding in nutrition and fitness. Some may think that is a good problem to have, but the anxiety alone makes my headspace a strange place to be.
I’m going to figure out how to deal with it, of course. I want to enjoy training this summer for the half in October. I don’t feel like I have friends to run with now that I’ve slowed down and I’m having trouble getting my speed back. It isn’t that I mind running alone, but sometimes the accountability comes with meeting up with people to do the run. I also miss the people I used to run with and feel a sense of missing out on the people I really enjoyed so much time with in the past.
I weigh every two weeks, so the end of this week will be my day to see progress in what I hope is the right direction. My clothes fit differently. My tee shirts are a little loose and my pants pull up more easily. I think that says a lot about progress. I intend to find balance with my eating where I’m not thinking about peanut butter cups or chocolate ice cream when I’m getting ready to go to bed at night. The plan doesn’t involve completely wiping those things out of my eating. They’re “sometimes foods” and I intend to incorporate them to avoid binges.
Do you have fitness friends? Do you prefer to work out alone? Do seasonal allergies take you down? I hope you try to find your balance. I’m hoping I find mine.
I’m also praying. I have anxiety and worries, but I invite God’s help. I think it has brought me peace, but also joy. I have joy in spite of these minor things that worry me. I have faith that I’m going to get better.