This morning I was thinking that with each passing year, I’m becoming the type of person who does things my way. My music taste is eclectic at best and probably sometimes dated, but Sinatra can sure make you feel the song. Of course, I burst into song because I’m a living musical. Not really, but in my head, I totally sang in key and had all the right choreography to make it look good.
In those morning moments today when I was awake, but lying in bed thinking too much, I started to think of the positive spin on my regrets. I loved and trusted too much for people who didn’t deserve it. Maybe I was the only person to give them that warmth, though. I assumed people were my friends who weren’t. Giving them friendship didn’t take anything away from me.
The biggest thing that stands out to me is that when I was outwardly brave and bold, I always caved in to other people and their expectations. I was easily manipulated into being everything to everyone instead of me for me. I wanted to be loved and liked more than I wanted to be respected. I even did it for my daughter.
I realized it the other day when my daughter said she’s a product of her environment and therefore not responsible for the consequences or results of her own choices. The person I was when she was young would have believed that. I would have felt guilty for all the wrong reasons. I feel guilty now, but not the way that would seem satisfying to the person trying to apply that emotion to me. I feel bad that I did too much and gave in too much for my own insecurities. No, I don’t think my oldest is permanently damaged from this. I just think that it contributes to the issues at hand that we are having with responsibility and respect. I think that the stronger person I am now is to thank for this realization that would have destroyed my former ego and will help her and my other kids in the long run.
Running has helped me develop some of the skills I needed to be physically and mentally strong. Not only has it helped me to conquer the difficult times, but it has forged friendships and inspired people to join me. I didn’t go into running a half marathon thinking I had an issue with mental fortitude, but I came out of it realizing it had been there.
The tough times over the last few years nearly broke me. Some parts were broken, but I found a strength I never knew. My husband and I have never been closer. We’ve used the pieces that were breaking and built something so much stronger together and for that I am grateful.
I want to say that in the tough times, it is difficult to pull away and refocus. I get it. I don’t think you should just ignore it when your world is crumbling down. What I want you to know is that you grow from being buried. The pieces that break away aren’t always going to fit back on. Let yourself become the person your trials are making you. Some people won’t like it. Especially the people who benefitted from the weakness. Do it anyway.
I haven’t run lately. I’m still working on the binge eating. I’ve taken big steps toward recovery. This month wasn’t great for my direct sales gig. I made 2 sales and one of them was to myself. I had my hair cut twice last week because I hated the first cut. The second was better, but not what I’d expected or wanted when I set out to get it done. I bought a wave iron to style away the plainness of the cut. I was really feeling down on myself. This morning, something clicked. I have been trying and sometimes failing instead of failing to try. I did it my way and I’m proud of that.
I hope this came off as positive. I feel well today with the sun shining despite the bitter cold and roaring winds. I’ll share my hair saga: