Regrets? A few.

This morning I was thinking that with each passing year, I’m becoming the type of person who does things my way. My music taste is eclectic at best and probably sometimes dated, but Sinatra can sure make you feel the song. Of course, I burst into song because I’m a living musical. Not really, but in my head, I totally sang in key and had all the right choreography to make it look good.

In those morning moments today when I was awake, but lying in bed thinking too much, I started to think of the positive spin on my regrets. I loved and trusted too much for people who didn’t deserve it. Maybe I was the only person to give them that warmth, though. I assumed people were my friends who weren’t. Giving them friendship didn’t take anything away from me.

The biggest thing that stands out to me is that when I was outwardly brave and bold, I always caved in to other people and their expectations. I was easily manipulated into being everything to everyone instead of me for me. I wanted to be loved and liked more than I wanted to be respected. I even did it for my daughter.

I realized it the other day when my daughter said she’s a product of her environment and therefore not responsible for the consequences or results of her own choices. The person I was when she was young would have believed that. I would have felt guilty for all the wrong reasons. I feel guilty now, but not the way that would seem satisfying to the person trying to apply that emotion to me. I feel bad that I did too much and gave in too much for my own insecurities. No, I don’t think my oldest is permanently damaged from this. I just think that it contributes to the issues at hand that we are having with responsibility and respect. I think that the stronger person I am now is to thank for this realization that would have destroyed my former ego and will help her and my other kids in the long run.

Running has helped me develop some of the skills I needed to be physically and mentally strong. Not only has it helped me to conquer the difficult times, but it has forged friendships and inspired people to join me. I didn’t go into running a half marathon thinking I had an issue with mental fortitude, but I came out of it realizing it had been there.

The tough times over the last few years nearly broke me. Some parts were broken, but I found a strength I never knew. My husband and I have never been closer. We’ve used the pieces that were breaking and built something so much stronger together and for that I am grateful.

I want to say that in the tough times, it is difficult to pull away and refocus. I get it. I don’t think you should just ignore it when your world is crumbling down. What I want you to know is that you grow from being buried. The pieces that break away aren’t always going to fit back on. Let yourself become the person your trials are making you. Some people won’t like it. Especially the people who benefitted from the weakness. Do it anyway.

I haven’t run lately. I’m still working on the binge eating. I’ve taken big steps toward recovery. This month wasn’t great for my direct sales gig. I made 2 sales and one of them was to myself. I had my hair cut twice last week because I hated the first cut. The second was better, but not what I’d expected or wanted when I set out to get it done. I bought a wave iron to style away the plainness of the cut. I was really feeling down on myself. This morning, something clicked. I have been trying and sometimes failing instead of failing to try. I did it my way and I’m proud of that.

I hope this came off as positive. I feel well today with the sun shining despite the bitter cold and roaring winds. I’ll share my hair saga:

Complain or Endure

I want to complain. I totally want to spend an entire blog post ranting.
I have sold nothing this month and it’s only my 2nd month trying to make myself the girl boss I’ve dreamed of being. It is not for lack of trying. I dropped a wooden table leg on my foot and my toes and foot are black and blue. Not running just in case, but also not running because I’ve had enough of the cold and slippery. I realized I’m probably food addicted because my weight swings 30 lbs up and down over time and I’m on the “high” end of that right now. I’m buying a book to try to get my mind right on food.

That’s really all the rant. Shoot, other stuff is pretty good.

I finally caught some of tidy madness and I completely emptied my walk in closet. I looked at each item and I decided what to keep and what to toss (and what could still be donated). My husband and I put in some work and completely changed the shelves and bars to make the space more efficient. It is amazing! Finally, after almost 10 years of arguing every time we had a project, we did it with no bickering.

I enjoy being a Keep designer and the things we share with each other in the online groups. I like designing stuff for myself and other people. I like trying to come up with things and the idea that I’m going to be the girl boss that I want to be. I also get a pretty good deal on the stuff, so I can have a huge variety for myself.

The food thing is annoying. I am constantly hungry and I try really hard not to eat stuff that isn’t nourishing. I am not good at it. I’ll let you all know if reading a book helps or not. I’m not ready for Whole 30 or anything because my eating is disordered and restrictive dieting is the first step to causing a binge. I know my ways well.

Today is full of Valentine parties at school and little things that need to be done, but I’m happy. I’m content. Things aren’t all going my way, but my attitude about it isn’t affecting how I live. That’s what I’m thinking about.

I’m not always on positive when things aren’t going my way. In fact, sometimes, I’m at “This is the end of the world,” instead. Accepting that those thing suck actually helps more than trying to focus on the positive and guilt myself into feeling better. Embrace the suck and try to make it through to the other side.

I hope you have a Happy Valentine’s Day if you celebrate. Otherwise, I hope you are reaching your goals and still trying.