Something, but nothing

I have so many different things going on in my head right now that all seem to be equal in urgency and importance. This isn’t a new occurrence for me. I just don’t like it. My depression is a real creeper and while I’m no longer obsessed with my own death, I’m still not quite sure about the actual place I fit into my own world and whether my presence makes any impact. Yes, that’s sad. I’m sorry. It is a reality, though.

I became a stay at home mom nearly 7 years ago and I am still not sure whether I’m doing things right. Especially in the summer months when we’re home and I need to get my day to day things done while still keeping them from doing crazy things like using their sleeping bags to slide down the steps or catch large bees with their butterfly nets. These are real things they’ve attempted on more than one occasion that I’ve intercepted. While I’d love to pretend I’m the “Pintrest Perfect” mom that does craft projects all day and has charts and learning resources everywhere, that isn’t me and would be rather out of character. I teach things and we do the summer homework that the school sent home with them. We’re behind by like 20 days with one kid, but….we’ve been trying to do it. Honestly, being the mom that knows exactly how to balance teaching the kids all of the necessary social graces along with basic curriculum is an exhausting premise and I’m not even sure I know how to behave socially all of the time. There’s no manual and no matter what moms do, someone is there to criticize it. I just worry too much about what negative aspects can be derived from my style of mom.

I am training for a marathon while fundraising for Crohn’s and Colitis. Since winter, I’ve been fundraising for Team Challenge and hoping that I’d be physically cleared in time to train for the Chicago Marathon in October. I was released from the doctor’s care and then from physical therapy with a little more than 20 weeks to go, which is plenty of time to train. I’d gained about 25 pounds in the winter and I haven’t had much luck taking it off with a lot of dietary changes and exercise. So there’s a big fail I’m mentally having trouble getting past. I was starting to feel the problems of over training, so I reduced my running to 3 days a week including one long run. My all over soreness has been curbed and my feet and legs feel mostly better. Except for one foot in one spot. It is the left foot, which is the opposite of the ankle I’d injured in November of last year. It hurt me for a few days last week, but by the time I got in to see the foot doc it wasn’t hurting anymore. Of course it wasn’t. Then, I ran this weekend and before I finished running the pain was back and even the simple task of taking my shoe off was painful. Now I have an appointment for next Monday with the podiatrist and I was a little upset about having to wait that long to get an answer about the pain and also to either take a break from training or train while in pain. All the physical stuff mixed with not being halfway to my fundraising goal is taking its toll on my worries.

I’m not really saying this for an “Aw, Jenn,” or anything of the sort. I’m saying it because those things are consuming me. I am here in my head thinking about all of the ways I’m not successful and all of the ways that I will continue to fail. This isn’t situational where it would go away once the stress is under control. This is depression pouring acid on my life and distorting my image. I’m exhausted and overwhelmed and I don’t have the energy to fight with it all of time. I’m fighting just to stay at the level where I am.

Some days, the strangest things can take me from one extreme to another. I like my ¬†friends, but I’m not sure anyone actually likes me. I worry often that most of the people I really like don’t think much of me. I want to run a marathon before I die, but what if this foot thing is going to keep me from doing it again this year? I can’t invest this time over and over to see it not come to fruition, but I don’t want people to see me give up. Especially my kids. I want to see my kids grow up, but what if I’m not good enough for them? I want to make it to 10 years of marriage, but I want my husband to be happy and not have to worry about me. I can think of the flip side of most things that I could have to be happy about. I know there are people who have it harder than I do and have less than I do. Telling me that helps me realize that I’m a bad person for feeling this way, so it is not an effective way to bring someone away from darkness. I hope one day to find a cure for the darkness and actually just enjoy things without wondering if someone is judging me poorly or only pretending to like me in order to be polite. I’m a little upset that exercise and eating well haven’t cured my depression, tiredness, or my weight struggle.

I guess through it all, I am stronger and I am wiser. I just wish I could attain the things that I’ve been trying so hard for so long to get. Not things I feel entitled to, but for me to earn. I wish I could feel like I’ve earned the intangible things I try to work for.

I’m pretty sure I meant to write something more upbeat today. Like: Don’t forget that everyone was new at some time and to quit making fun of people for using words or phrases that you simply don’t like. If I say I want to be ‘toned’, I mean less jiggly. I don’t need you to explain weights to me or post a meme about how it isn’t a real thing. If you’re annoyed by people eating ‘clean’ because you think that isn’t a real thing, then don’t use the term. Leave the people alone who do. They’re trying. Maybe start there with a little credit for trying. It could go a long way for how things turn out for the other person. I might have a little bit of problems with negative thinking, but I don’t let that affect how I treat other people and I don’t try to drag other people down. There’s enough of that in the world.






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