What? That title makes you cringe? I know, I’m actually not too bad at English. I just thought it was funny to say. Last time I blogged, I was in the midst of what I normally refer to as an “episode.” I’m not fully out of the dark yet, but I’m trying harder to pull myself out instead of sitting at the bottom simmering in my negative thoughts and feelings. I’ve adjusted a few things to alleviate being overwhelmed. I have been mindful to keep my goals, but adjust my methods to attain them.
I’m still doing the streak. I go at least 1 deliberate mile each day. I just don’t run every single mile anymore. When I need a rest, I put my puggle on a leash and we take a little stroll for a mile or more so I’m still physically active, but I’m not being too hard on my body. My body thanks me for that with less knee soreness and better overall body feeling during my running. I was starting to struggle at running the speed that I am normally comfortable with. This might not seem like a red flag, but I’ve seen it before in myself when pushing too hard. Sometimes, pulling back a little will make a huge difference in performance. Tightness in my legs and finding it difficult to feel ‘warmed up’ were sure signs I needed to change something. Today, I did speed work with the wind whipping from different directions and it felt good. There were some spots where I walked between sprints instead of jogging, but I got it done and I went faster than I expected. Now if I can be mindful of resting so I don’t get to the place where I’m uncomfortable again, that would be ideal.
I get overwhelmed by housework. The pile of laundry or the stack of dishes are staring me in the face each day when I still have to pick up the odds and ends, wipe the counters, clean bathrooms and empty wastebaskets. Or do I? Actually, no. I put the pressure on myself for those things to be done and to be done well. I often decline help because I want it done my way or I don’t want to bother anyone to do things I consider ‘my job’. This amazing thing happened recently. I looked at the laundry and I told my husband, “This is overwhelming. I am tired and just don’t want to do it today.” You know what happened? He took the basket and folded the laundry and put it away for me. It didn’t really occur to me that I could ask for help and he did it without a second thought or complaint. I think we often forget that our loved ones can’t read our minds and don’t know exactly how we’re feeling. People won’t know you need help if you don’t tell them you do. (This darn paragraph made me well up with tears a little bit, so I guess I’m not numb to my emotions anymore, either.)
Things are still rocky with the oldest of my kids. Time passes anyway. I can only do what I can do and hope the right decisions are made and for the right reasons. My husband and I can only guide her. What people seem to forget is that the parents can’t make the choices, but are often left with the consequences of the choices that our children make. This is especially true as they become older and want to be more autonomous.
I think that I’ve done a fairly good job of continuing to be kind to people and try to ensure others are happy despite how I feel. I am confident that I don’t let my mood determine my manners. This works wonders for having people to talk to when you’re emerging from your darkness. If I can remain kind and be a bit of light for people even when I’m not feeling good myself, it can ensure that later in the day when I’m thinking of all the things that were wrong with the day, those interactions won’t be included in that. I have every conversation through the day more than once because I have to dig it apart in my head to make sure I didn’t say anything totally weird, which inevitably happens anyway, and that I didn’t say anything that could be hurtful or judgmental. That’s me. Even knowing that so many other people do it in addition to me doesn’t make me think I’m normal for doing it.
Basically, I’m still a little depressed. Most things I have no control over and are pretty average for an adult, but I still worry about them and feel like I’m completely helpless against them. I hate being helpless. I like to be strong and wise. Yet, I’m surprisingly good at accepting that the only thing I can control is how I react to those things.
Only 18 days until my first (official) 10k race. A week after that is my next half marathon. I have been preparing for both and I’m really excited for each one. This week, I’m going to try to get my long run in on a Thursday. My best friend is coming to town this weekend and we’re going to do a 5k race on Sunday together. She’s also going to be at the training run on Saturday morning, so I thought I’d do my 11 miles earlier than that since she’s not currently training for a half marathon and probably doesn’t want to put in that many miles. I’m hoping maybe I can PR on the 5k, but I’ll accept it if I don’t because this is only the first race of the year.
Good luck in your training! Have you signed up for any races yet? Are you trying anything new? I see a lot of my friends are going into Triathlon training now. I am thinking if I take a next step, it’ll be a full marathon before a tri.