Finally shrinking down a little

School is out and the kids are home more often. The weather has been either rainy or very hot and humid. It’s only June, but you’d think it was late summer already the way the heat has been. The heat is better than the cold for many things. Running is not something that is more fun in the heat. Learning to run in the winter made me respect the cold more.

I’ve done well under the amount of stress I’ve experienced. I’ve lost about 15 pounds over the last month. I’m limiting the soda, eating more fresh grown foods for meals, and avoiding mindless snacks. I’ve been more active. I’m getting back into running . My time is getting faster and I’m running with less walking breaks. My depression is still around, but I have tried to conquer the urge to wallow by going outdoors. Some days, I gather up my younger kids and the dog and go for a walk. I’ve learned from a devotional book that time will pass regardless of what you do with it. That had an impact on me.

I went to the running store’s fun run this week and it really helped me to interact with other people who run. I met people who are going on the same trip as my husband and I this fall. I’m actually more excited to know that there will be other runners there and they even live in the same city!

My training for the half marathon I’ll be running at the end of September begins the week after next. I’m hoping I am close to my old running times by then. They weren’t particularly fast, but I could run 6 miles without stopping to walk or catch my breath. Hopefully, I’m getting adjusted to running in the heat and humidity.

I am looking forward to events and experiences that are upcoming. I’ve still been experiencing a lot of stress and the sinking feeling that I’m somehow screwing things up no  matter how hard I try. I don’t have a lot of confidence in myself. I constantly question whether I’m a good enough mom and wife. I question whether I should even try running 13.1 miles with an audience. Some days, I even question if I should leave the house because I don’t know what other people will think of me. I know that fears like that are irrational, but they are there. It takes me a lot of energy just to step off of the porch to go for a run knowing that people will see me as they drive down the street or walk by. The stress I’ve been under has pushed me back inside of my shell and I’m having a rough time spending any time outside of that comfort zone. Basically, I’m looking to shrink my body and expand my comfort zone.

Thanks for reading. I hope I can at least offer you some reassurance that you can do more than you give yourself credit for. Sometimes, you really have to mentally prepare for a small first step. Once you’ve gotten past the start, things will be more comfortable. I’ve stepped out of my shell before. Sometimes, things in my life push me back in. I’m the only one who can step out. It feels like starting over. I know that when I started trying to become a fit person, I didn’t have all the knowledge and ability that I do now. I’m not starting over from the beginning. I’m just restarting after some time off. It happens.

I didn’t train for that, or that…

So, I’m having a lot of problems at home that I can’t go in to and probably never will. I’m pretty stressed out and depressed and it feels like things keep happening to add to an already pretty full load. Now, even seemingly minor things add to the pressure and make me feel even more inadequate. I am at the point where I feel like I’m not a good parent, I only make things more stressful for my husband instead of easier, and I am not skilled at anything. Even when I really put work into things, I’m not successful, so I’m destined for mediocrity or less.

I ran my 5k this last Saturday. It was the worst I’ve ever done. It was over 39 minutes and my fastest 5k was just over 30 minutes. When I saw my time, I wasn’t surprised. I felt disappointed and I tried to make myself feel better by admitting I hadn’t trained for the run. With all the things going on now at home, I haven’t found the time to get away to run.

My training for a half marathon starts in a little under a month and I’m slower than the time I stated in my sign up for the program. I am going to have to train to join training. Not only that, but because the problems at home, I will have to surrender much of what I’d consider ‘me time’ to assure some sort of serenity in the household.

This post is kind of dark, I’m aware. I just feel kind of lost. My life could change drastically simply because someone wanted me to suffer for not giving exactly what s/he thought I should give to them. I’m having trouble keeping my chin up and gaining the energy I need to stay on top of fitness. Without really trying, I’ve lost around 13 lbs in the last 2 weeks. I’ve also lost my passion for things in life and anything I thought of as faith in myself.

I hope that things will return to something resembling normalcy some time in the near future. I plan to set aside some time to try to get my endurance in running back. I’m going to ease back into a routine so it doesn’t add to what I’m feeling now. I’m not trying to disavow responsibility in the matters of things going awry in my life. I obviously have made some choices that have led me down this path. I choose what I put in my body, so I’m the reason for my poor health. I choose how I deal with other people, so I’m not fully faultless in those situations. I have learned from those things. Eat better, move more, and never behave in a way that could be misinterpreted. If people are given opportunity for honesty or tossing mud your way, they won’t hesitate to get their hands dirty.

So, on with the journey that has taken years longer than I planned and taken a path I could never have predicted. Here’s hoping that getting out to run more improves my mood even if it doesn’t improve the situation any.