Ease up on me

I went at it hard like I said I would. I was so good at it for 3 days. Day 4, I started thinking that I didn’t want to miss out on things like chocolate for the rest of my life because I like it. I don’t want to miss out on my cola because I like it. By the weekend, I stopped at a gas station and got a 32 ounce fountain soda. I didn’t want to go running even though the 2 runs I went on weren’t the worst. Except the smell of those awful pear tree blossoms that smell so much like dead fish, I questioned the cleanliness of the creek and the lake that I pass along my route. When I set out to get back in shape, it would suddenly work for me if I threw myself into it. What happened was that I got in over my head and I quickly started thinking I was drowning.

So, back to it. I’m shooting for healthy and fit.  I hope I look and feel good in the long run. I’m not diving in full force, but I’m not going to just dip my toes in and keep whining about how it’s too cold to get in. I purchased meal replacement protein shake mix and almond milk to blend with it. I plan to use that for either breakfast or lunch, but not both. I bought some of my favorite fruits and veggies to munch on. I already had a pear today when I felt like snacking after breakfast.

My plan of action is completely different from the last time because you have to change your plan to make your goal happen when you see the plan isn’t working. Life is always changing;We’re always changing. I see no reason to continue along a road where I’m making myself miserable.

I signed up for a June 5k in St. Louis. I hope I will be back to running 3 miles daily in the next couple of weeks. If you’d asked me a week or two ago, I’d have said that I was going to just go out and run 3 or more miles every day and force myself to do it. Now, I realize that I need time. I need to build up to it and I’m ok with that.

My self talk is still negative. I feel like I’m fat and I’d like to just hide from the world until I’m not anymore. I feel like the struggle to not be fat is too hard. I get it, people who have never been overweight. “Eat less. Move more.” Trust me, I understand. I’m not sitting around my house eating fast food and watching TV. I hate most fast food joints and my favorite TV show is hockey. I don’t know who the characters are on any ‘real housewives’ or ‘bachelor’ shows. I have no idea what soap operas are still on. I play with my kids. I keep my house clean. If we’re eating something breaded, I haven’t fried it. So, if you think that I exaggerate my efforts and that this isn’t hard, you’re absolutely a judgemental flake. This is extremely difficult and I’m trying. So, next time you see someone heavy and think they need to ease up on the cheeseburgers, or you see a thin person and think they need to eat a cheeseburger, how about you get yourself one and shove it up your butt. That’s how I feel about it. The size of anyone else is none of your business. That said, I think my inner dialogue wouldn’t be hateful if there weren’t people out there who felt it necessary to pass harsh judgement on people who aren’t the size that we associate with normal. If someone specifically insults your size, know that this is something s/he hates about him/herself and it has nothing to do with who you are.

Oh, and if anyone wants to hire me a personal trainer to show me some stuff, I’d love that.

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