Finding my way back

I finally did some purposeful movement Sunday night. That is, more than for the purpose of getting from one spot to another. I told myself that I’d work out for 15 minutes on the elliptical before I set out to do it. When I got to 15 minutes, I asked myself if I was really ready to stop since I’d set the program to 30 minutes. I decided I should try to go a little longer. Then, when 20 minutes had passed, I decided that if I could make it 10 more. I actually did it. I wasn’t too sore from it Monday (yesterday). I worked out again last night and used the music on my phone to keep me on the machine for 30 minutes. I even did resistance when I finished with my cardio workout. I ate mindfully all day Monday with my only indulgence being soda that I had in my fridge already. It was a nice way to bid my sweet cola goodbye or “see you later, but not often.” In the next couple of days, I plan to try to head outdoors for my first run in just over a month.

All of that said, I also weighed myself Sunday and Monday. I weigh more than I ever have in my life. I didn’t use the settings on the scale for muscle and water, so I’m not sure about those numbers. Today, I weighed 3 lbs less than yesterday, so I assume that there was a little water weight involved. Now to put the scale away until next Sunday and stick to it. I know that my clothes are snug, but I’m still not as big as when I was at my biggest before now. That doesn’t really make me feel better, though. I feel unhealthy. It isn’t just because the number on the scale. I’m often tired. I get winded when I carry my little one in a parking lot. I see a belly poking out no matter what pants I have on, so I’m always uncomfortable. I don’t feel like myself.

So, here I go again on the path to being a fit and healthy person. I’m not sure it will ever actually stick. I might just be a serial weight gainer/loser. I’m still trying, though. I’m not ready to accept that this is just who I am. I am probably putting the pedal to the metal pretty hard this time, but I really feel like I have to dive in all the way to see if it sticks longer this time. I’m hoping it sticks permanently.

I don’t use supplements and I try to eat well without buying things that are part of the latest fad. I buy energy granola bars for meal replacement sometimes. This time, I’m going to try to plan better for my meals so I don’t end up at a drive thru anywhere. I am also drinking water before and after I eat to regain control of my appetite. I refuse to let myself binge. Once I get better control of what I’m eating, I can add in occasional treats. My sweet tooth will have to enjoy prunes, which are sweet and rich tasting, and snacks that center around fresh produce. I want to succeed and to be the person I feel like on the inside.

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