Oh, I’m feeling blah

Hey there! I haven’t had the energy or the drive to work out. I’ve eaten a bit better, though. Well, I’ve tried to eat fresh more often. I am depressed and would rather lie in bed all day than get up and be productive. It takes me a lot more effort just to finish my daily work like dishes and laundry. This, my friends, is what depression is like sometimes. Even with medication and the best intentions, I get down sometimes. This time around, I’m feeling weepy, physically sore, and very isolated. People who don’t have depression would have a hard time wrapping their head around how a person can go from feeling fine to irreversibly sad, angry, and hopeless. I’m actually doing really well-functioning day-to-day, but my mind is not kind to me at all. I’m especially critical of my size, the amount of time I’ve spent struggling with it, and whether I’m actually good at anything. Tsk, tsk…let us present the matter at hand.

This is what’s on my mind. I want to join a gym. I know which gym I would like to go to first.

  • I’m worried I won’t have time to work out. I know people think “make time” or “don’t you stay at home”, but I actually have planned things throughout the week that I do for my kids and my husband isn’t always in town. I’m just afraid to squander money on something if I don’t use it.
  • I’m completely intimidated by the thought of working out on the equipment. I know how to use an elliptical because I have one. I don’t remember anything about the weight machines when I had a membership a gym. I use free weights and resistance bands at home. Also, there aren’t strangers at home to see me struggling to run 30 minutes.
  • I want help, but not really ask for it because I’m embarrassed to need help with anything. Many things in my life would probably be easier if I didn’t feel that way.
  • I’m aware of how what I’ve listed above could be read as excuses and I certainly don’t disagree. I need to get fit and joining a gym is an excellent opportunity to break routines and to make my goals tangible.

All of that said, I’m thinking about enlisting the help of my doctor. The label of the medicine clearly says to report new or worsening depression. That applies to me just as much as anyone else. My hope is that through a fitness routine, I’ll be able to better manage my symptoms.

Thanks for hanging around even through this ugly post. I have signed up for a race in June. I will be training for it by running outdoors. I think that signing up for a race is a good way to encourage myself to work out.

Ease up on me

I went at it hard like I said I would. I was so good at it for 3 days. Day 4, I started thinking that I didn’t want to miss out on things like chocolate for the rest of my life because I like it. I don’t want to miss out on my cola because I like it. By the weekend, I stopped at a gas station and got a 32 ounce fountain soda. I didn’t want to go running even though the 2 runs I went on weren’t the worst. Except the smell of those awful pear tree blossoms that smell so much like dead fish, I questioned the cleanliness of the creek and the lake that I pass along my route. When I set out to get back in shape, it would suddenly work for me if I threw myself into it. What happened was that I got in over my head and I quickly started thinking I was drowning.

So, back to it. I’m shooting for healthy and fit.  I hope I look and feel good in the long run. I’m not diving in full force, but I’m not going to just dip my toes in and keep whining about how it’s too cold to get in. I purchased meal replacement protein shake mix and almond milk to blend with it. I plan to use that for either breakfast or lunch, but not both. I bought some of my favorite fruits and veggies to munch on. I already had a pear today when I felt like snacking after breakfast.

My plan of action is completely different from the last time because you have to change your plan to make your goal happen when you see the plan isn’t working. Life is always changing;We’re always changing. I see no reason to continue along a road where I’m making myself miserable.

I signed up for a June 5k in St. Louis. I hope I will be back to running 3 miles daily in the next couple of weeks. If you’d asked me a week or two ago, I’d have said that I was going to just go out and run 3 or more miles every day and force myself to do it. Now, I realize that I need time. I need to build up to it and I’m ok with that.

My self talk is still negative. I feel like I’m fat and I’d like to just hide from the world until I’m not anymore. I feel like the struggle to not be fat is too hard. I get it, people who have never been overweight. “Eat less. Move more.” Trust me, I understand. I’m not sitting around my house eating fast food and watching TV. I hate most fast food joints and my favorite TV show is hockey. I don’t know who the characters are on any ‘real housewives’ or ‘bachelor’ shows. I have no idea what soap operas are still on. I play with my kids. I keep my house clean. If we’re eating something breaded, I haven’t fried it. So, if you think that I exaggerate my efforts and that this isn’t hard, you’re absolutely a judgemental flake. This is extremely difficult and I’m trying. So, next time you see someone heavy and think they need to ease up on the cheeseburgers, or you see a thin person and think they need to eat a cheeseburger, how about you get yourself one and shove it up your butt. That’s how I feel about it. The size of anyone else is none of your business. That said, I think my inner dialogue wouldn’t be hateful if there weren’t people out there who felt it necessary to pass harsh judgement on people who aren’t the size that we associate with normal. If someone specifically insults your size, know that this is something s/he hates about him/herself and it has nothing to do with who you are.

Oh, and if anyone wants to hire me a personal trainer to show me some stuff, I’d love that.

Finding my way back

I finally did some purposeful movement Sunday night. That is, more than for the purpose of getting from one spot to another. I told myself that I’d work out for 15 minutes on the elliptical before I set out to do it. When I got to 15 minutes, I asked myself if I was really ready to stop since I’d set the program to 30 minutes. I decided I should try to go a little longer. Then, when 20 minutes had passed, I decided that if I could make it 10 more. I actually did it. I wasn’t too sore from it Monday (yesterday). I worked out again last night and used the music on my phone to keep me on the machine for 30 minutes. I even did resistance when I finished with my cardio workout. I ate mindfully all day Monday with my only indulgence being soda that I had in my fridge already. It was a nice way to bid my sweet cola goodbye or “see you later, but not often.” In the next couple of days, I plan to try to head outdoors for my first run in just over a month.

All of that said, I also weighed myself Sunday and Monday. I weigh more than I ever have in my life. I didn’t use the settings on the scale for muscle and water, so I’m not sure about those numbers. Today, I weighed 3 lbs less than yesterday, so I assume that there was a little water weight involved. Now to put the scale away until next Sunday and stick to it. I know that my clothes are snug, but I’m still not as big as when I was at my biggest before now. That doesn’t really make me feel better, though. I feel unhealthy. It isn’t just because the number on the scale. I’m often tired. I get winded when I carry my little one in a parking lot. I see a belly poking out no matter what pants I have on, so I’m always uncomfortable. I don’t feel like myself.

So, here I go again on the path to being a fit and healthy person. I’m not sure it will ever actually stick. I might just be a serial weight gainer/loser. I’m still trying, though. I’m not ready to accept that this is just who I am. I am probably putting the pedal to the metal pretty hard this time, but I really feel like I have to dive in all the way to see if it sticks longer this time. I’m hoping it sticks permanently.

I don’t use supplements and I try to eat well without buying things that are part of the latest fad. I buy energy granola bars for meal replacement sometimes. This time, I’m going to try to plan better for my meals so I don’t end up at a drive thru anywhere. I am also drinking water before and after I eat to regain control of my appetite. I refuse to let myself binge. Once I get better control of what I’m eating, I can add in occasional treats. My sweet tooth will have to enjoy prunes, which are sweet and rich tasting, and snacks that center around fresh produce. I want to succeed and to be the person I feel like on the inside.

Backsliding, then tumbling

Well, hello there! How have you all been? Yeah? Me? I’ve eaten like food is going to suddenly become scarce. I’ve worked out sporadically enough that I’m not really sure what to count as my last workout. Yep, it’s like that. I’ve also gained back every single pound that I spent so much time and effort losing. Even with my phone prominently displaying a photo telling me not to give up, I gave up. I feel no motivation to eat better or regularly work out. I want to lose weight, but I’m stuck. I feel like my efforts aren’t worth the results. Honestly, I like sweets and I have a hard time regulating myself when I get ahold of a treat. Most people can eat a couple of pieces of candy and satisfy the craving. Not me. I mindlessly eat it.

I have gained a better acceptance of myself, though. I’m not worried if other people think I’m fat. I’m not worried about the opinions of other people about my size. Perhaps caring less is a step in the right direction.

Why did you give up in the first place? It didn’t happen overnight. It happened over the past few months. I was gaining weight despite my efforts and I was less mindful of my habits once I felt like it didn’t matter. Every time I went running, I was having trouble. I was having problems breathing and I couldn’t finish a 3 mile run without stopping to walk and catch my breath. I would get teary eyed at the thought that I couldn’t force myself to just run. I haven’t even been going to my group runs because I’m embarrassed that I can’t run 3 miles continuously. I’ve been to the doctor and as I expected, there is nothing physically wrong. So, I’m discouraged.

So, what’s the plan, Jenn?  I’m going to take an extreme approach to my diet because I have to. I’m going to cut out ‘sweets’. No soda, no candy, no ice cream for a while. I’m going to limit cheats to every other weekend instead of every weekend. My diet is actually pretty healthy without the extra snacks and without soda. They could be part of a healthy diet in moderation, but my problem is moderation. If I cannot exercise will power, I need to remove the temptation. So, that’s the first step. I also plan to find a race to train for so I can’t make excuses not to run. I skipped the 10k that I was going to do because I never started training for it. I’m going to schedule my workouts and get up early if I have to. I’m even shopping local gyms for a membership. I might be embarrassed to work out in front of people, but it removes the weather excuse from the list.

I have a new gadget. I got a fitness tracker. I’ve had it for a month, yet I still haven’t hopped back into fitness. It can’t do the work for me. I like that it counts my steps and my miles. I do wish it were less conspicuous than a watch on my wrist. I think once I get moving more often, I’ll be more apt to beat my own best and meet my steps goals.

I think goals are an important part of getting healthy, but short-term goals are important to encourage yourself and feel like you’re actually doing well. While I want to lose lbs, I need to remember that I want to lose fat. Focusing too far into the future is the reason I sabotaged my journey. I could only focus on the road ahead instead of that I had travelled so far. Now I have to start from square one. This time, I’m going to work toward better goals and lose sight of the scale.

How many times have you needed to restart your fitness journey? Do you struggle with the way you think other people see you?

I appreciate that people read my words and I’m thinking about writing a little more into my past and about where I’ve been to bring me where I am. I think I’ll start a separate blog for it, though.