I’m depressed and I’m too down to really talk about it with anyone directly. I don’t want people to think I’m whining. I also don’t want to shock anyone with how down I really am. It is alarming. I know there are people who look at what I’m saying and wonder what on Earth I’d have to be depressed about. That isn’t even a valid inquiry. It isn’t me being depressed about something. It is the feeling that no matter what good I have in my life, I’m not enjoying it. I feel sadness, anger, helplessness, and disappointment. I feel like I want to crawl into a hole so I don’t have to interact with people so I don’t do any unintentional damage. I don’t want to make any decisions because I’m sure every one I make is the wrong choice. I don’t want my friends or family to feel like they’re doing something wrong to make me feel this way. I don’t trust therapists.They don’t know me and 1 hour a week isn’t going to fix anything, especially since it makes a huge negative impact on my budget. I don’t have many friends and I don’t want to burden the couple that still hang around. It’s probably why the other ones walked away.
No, I’m not thinking about hurting myself. I’m just not psyched about waking up in the morning. I got on the scale this morning. I saw my weight. Before any other thought crossed my mind, the most prominent thought was, “I don’t want to live anymore, it’s too hard.” I looked at myself in the mirror with shame over that thought. I should suck it up and admit that every failure in my life is from my own bad choices and I have to stick around to suffer for them. I should know that I’d be the size I want if I would just work harder at it. I should stop whining and suck it up.
I need people to see me as emotionally and physically strong. I’ve survived a lot of things in the years I’ve been around and things are actually better for me now than they were in years past. So why am I being such a spoiled brat? Why can’t I just be a normal person? Why am I so strange and so unhappy?
I’m on medication. Every time I mention my emotional health to my doctor, she raises the dose. I don’t really want medication. Especially if I’m going to suffer the side effects and still have such low swings.
All I know now is that I feel like a total failure at life. My kids are wild because of me. My teen has self-image issues because of me. My husband feels helpless because I’m unable to hide my unhappiness and he thinks he is at fault. I failed at working in the corporate world and I’m not really great at staying at home with the kids, either. I hate to admit these things because I know how the people who don’t like me wish I would fail. It isn’t right for humans to behave that way toward one another, but it really is what happens. There are people who relish in the failures of others instead of being there to celebrate the successes. I wish I were the person that I want to be instead of this pathetic thing I see in the mirror.
I am afraid to share this. I don’t want to be discouraging. I also don’t want to be negative. I feel a responsibility to make other people happy and be encouraging. So this is hard for me. I almost wish I was doing it anonymously.
Anyway, a very encouraging person for those of us who suffer is actually The Bloggess, Jenny Lawson. Her posts are relate-able and often funny, which is great for the mind and soul.