Jenn Propulsion

That was creative, right? I’m proud of that title. It has a double meaning. I need something to move myself forward, but I’m that thing that moves me forward. I’m the only person who can choose to do it.

I haven’t worked out in a couple of weeks. From the way my jeans squeeze me a little tighter in the waist to having trouble falling asleep at night, I’m feeling the effects of my sedentary habits . I am getting pretty good at excuses. I’m too tired and I don’t have time seem to me my favorites lately. I’m also angry that it doesn’t seem to get me where I want in my physical appearance or on the scale.

I think I will get out and run this weekend. The forecast is above freezing, so I’m hoping no more patches of ice everywhere. I understand that there are people who get out there when there is snow and ice on the ground. I admire their dedication. I’m not confident in my ability to stay vertical in those conditions. I feel that the sidewalk isn’t safe to run on and with snow banks on the side of the road, I would be unable to move for cars. It isn’t a matter of being cold. I’ve played with the kids by running around inside of the house, but that isn’t enough to count as exercise.

That’s still no excuse. I have an elliptical machine and I have my body that I could use to work out. I’m having a hard time setting aside that time for myself since I’m comfortable at home. I have a habit of telling myself I’ll do it later. So today, I’m saying it to my blog so I’m accountable. I will work out today for 30 minutes. I will work out 5 out of the next 7 days for at least 30 minutes per day. I’m the only thing in my way.

I’d like to assert that I don’t feel like my story is the story of everyone who is overweight. We all have our own struggle with it. Working out and being fit doesn’t get easier. You get better at it and you find new mountains to climb to stay fit. Sore muscles hurt and running isn’t easy. On the other hand, being overweight doesn’t feel great. Lack of muscle volume will put pressure on your joints and make short walks painful. So, while working out is painful now, you’ll thank yourself for it.

My depression is better than it was recently. I realized I haven’t been taking my vitamin supplements and it might have been a contributing factor in the decline in my mental health. I also know that I tend to feel better when I’m exercising regularly, so I need to get back into it for that benefit to myself.

I sat down to balance my finances and to shop wireless plans and I wound up typing this out. My little one that doesn’t go to school yet has finished coloring, so I suppose I’m finished with this entry. I appreciate you reading this. Any comments are welcome!

Do you find something that motivates you more than anything else when you’re in a workout rut?

Valleys with occasional peaks – Depression

I’m depressed and I’m too down to really talk about it with anyone directly. I don’t want people to think I’m whining. I also don’t want to shock anyone with how down I really am. It is alarming. I know there are people who look at what I’m saying and wonder what on Earth I’d  have to be depressed about. That isn’t even a valid inquiry. It isn’t me being depressed about something. It is the feeling that no matter what good I have in my life, I’m not enjoying it. I feel sadness, anger, helplessness, and disappointment. I feel like I want to crawl into a hole so I don’t have to interact with people so I don’t do any unintentional damage. I don’t want to make any decisions because I’m sure every one I make is the wrong choice. I don’t want my friends or family to feel like they’re doing something wrong to make me feel this way. I don’t trust therapists.They don’t know me and 1 hour a week isn’t going to fix anything, especially since it makes a huge negative impact on my budget. I don’t have many friends and I don’t want to burden the couple that still hang around. It’s probably why the other ones walked away.

No, I’m not thinking about hurting myself. I’m just not psyched about waking up in the morning. I got on the scale this morning. I saw my weight. Before any other thought crossed my mind, the most prominent thought was, “I don’t want to live anymore, it’s too hard.” I looked at myself in the mirror with shame over that thought. I should suck it up and admit that every failure in my life is from my own bad choices and I have to stick around to suffer for them. I should know that I’d be the size I want if I would just work harder at it. I should stop whining and suck it up.

I need people to see me as emotionally and physically strong. I’ve survived a lot of things in the years I’ve been around and things are actually better for me now than they were in years past. So why am I being such a spoiled brat? Why can’t I just be a normal person? Why am I so strange and so unhappy?

I’m on medication. Every time I mention my emotional health to my doctor, she raises the dose. I don’t really want medication. Especially if I’m going to suffer the side effects and still have such low swings.

All I know now is that I feel like a total failure at life. My kids are wild because of me. My teen has self-image issues because of me. My husband feels helpless because I’m unable to hide my unhappiness and he thinks he is at fault. I failed at working in the corporate world and I’m not really great at staying at home with the kids, either. I hate to admit these things because I know how the people who don’t like me wish I would fail. It isn’t right for humans to behave that way toward one another, but it really is what happens. There are people who relish in the failures of others instead of being there to celebrate the successes. I wish I were the person that I want to be instead of this pathetic thing I see in the mirror.

I am afraid to share this. I don’t want to be discouraging. I also don’t want to be negative. I feel a responsibility to make other people happy and be encouraging. So this is hard for me. I almost wish I was doing it anonymously.

Anyway, a very encouraging person for those of us who suffer is actually The Bloggess, Jenny Lawson. Her posts are relate-able and often funny, which is great for the mind and soul.

I’m a year older now

My birthday was Monday of this week. I’m now 34 years old. I have no great milestones to cover. This birthday was just like any other day. As is true for each one as you get older. It tends to serve as a reminder that I’m edging my way closer to old age.

I have not been great with my commitment to fitness. I didn’t enroll in the program for a 10k like I’d intended to. I haven’t been out running more than once this year. The weather really isn’t a good excuse, though. I have an elliptical machine in my bedroom and I could be using my free weights or resistance bands to get a good workout in. I’m making excuses. Shining a light through them is the only way to make sure that I’ll stop trying to use them and be committed. I can only blame myself for not being accountable for my commitment.

As far as eating healthy, I’m not doing poorly at it. I have caught myself snacking on sweets a couple of times. I’ve given in to soda cravings. I haven’t just scrapped the idea of eating healthy in spite of my mistakes. I made sure I had some iced tea ready to drink in place of sugary sweet soda. The tea has half of the sugar I used to drink in it. It still tastes good. I bought some of my favorite snacks that aren’t sugary or starchy. My favorites include colby jack cheese with an apple (think caramel apple), snap peas (raw or roasted with pepper like fries), and broccoli slaw.

While the scale has not budged much in either direction, I’m still getting healthier. Of course I get down on myself for not looking like Kate Upton does. I want to look as good as I feel. Honestly, who doesn’t want to look good? Fortunately, my husband is constantly supportive and complimentary. He tells me that even if I don’t see it, he can tell the difference. That’s actually really encouraging to me. So is hearing from a friend that I help motivate her to get fit. I can’t stress enough how support is a major part of this journey.

Is there someone you’ve seen that looks like they’ve lost weight or taken up a physical fitness hobby that you think deserves a compliment? Is it difficult because you feel a little unsure about yourself?

Starting 2015

Welcome to 2015! The year is fresh and the self intimidation to get fit and shed those extra pounds is strong with those who have made resolutions. This is also the time of year where the gym is full of inexperienced people who may or may not drop off after a month or so. It is tempting to give the inexperienced people dirty looks or talk badly about them. After all, they don’t belong in your gym…right? Wrong. They also pay the fees, so now they’re part of your gym family. Unless you’ve just been going to the gym your whole life, you were once new to the scene. How did the reactions of others affect you? What do you wish other people would have done to help you along? It isn’t wrong to give a gentle reminder to re-rack your weights, respect the water fountain, or wipe the machines. They need to make those things a habit just as much as working out. It also isn’t wrong to give someone a thumbs up that is working his/her butt off on a machine or in a class. A smile from a stranger goes a long way and any kind of encouragement could be the difference between giving up and working harder.

Last night, I went on my first social run of the new year with my local running store. It was more crowded than any one I’ve been to before. It was hard to break out of the group once we started the run. I figured it was because of people deciding “new year, new me.” Once we were out on the run, it spread out and I was able to enjoy my first run of the new year. As I passed the other women in my group, I panted a cheerful, “Great job!” A couple of the others even beat me to it and said it first. It felt good. I didn’t feel like running when I left the house. I thought about going back home before I set foot into the store where we start our run. It was a fun and positive experience for me and hopefully the other people involved.

I am focusing more on resistance training and not running. I haven’t started the plan I made on the Nike App because I didn’t think I would be able to follow closely with the holiday planning and travel. My plan for 2015 involves meeting nutrition goals, but I’m excited to train for a 10k and a half marathon. I plan to enroll in the training programs offered by Fleet Feet, which is the running store where I do social runs. I think that having a group training program will make me more accountable than using a virtual coach.

I enjoy sharing my journey with other people. I don’t talk when I run or work out, but I like letting people know they’re doing well. I like knowing when I’m doing something well. My virtual fitness friends are important to my journey. I am more likely to go out for a run if a friend has logged more miles than me. I’m more likely to go for a run if I’ve put all the Fleet Feet social runs on my calendar like they’re appointments.

I wish everyone, regardless of where you are in your fitness journey, a happy and healthy 2015. I hope that you can get moving this year. I hope that you find balance in your nutrition habits.

Have you checked out resources available in your community to meet your fitness goals? Is your fitness plan realistic for your goal?

*Thanks for reading! Please let me know if there is a subject you’d like me to cover. I’d be happy to do some research if I’m not familiar with it. I’m not officially endorsing any product or business that I mention in the blog.