Yes, I’m here

I missed my posting goal last week.  I normally try to have at least one new thing each week.  My closest friend was in town and I didn’t feel like getting on my laptop and posting while she was here.  It was great  having time with another adult during the day.  I kept on track with fitness while she was here, so I got a workout buddy, too.  I’ll have to say, I enjoyed having someone to work out with that wasn’t my husband asking if I’ve lost my mind.  The down side was that my two younger kids have been wild lately and the duration of her visit, they weren’t going to pretend to be little angels.  My oldest was rarely around, which is also par for the course.  I didn’t exactly follow healthy eating, but I didn’t go overboard.  

Since the last post, I’ve been running more frequently.  The weather has allowed me more opportunities to get outside for my workouts and I have been slowly improving my average mile time with each run.  I’ve also been using a training application (NTC) for my phone at home.  I’m considering using a feature on the application that arranges a 4 week training program with workouts and outdoor runs, but I would like to have a little more time to ease into it before committing.  Fitness is starting to come together for me.  

Now, about my eating.  I’ve been using my food tracking application daily.  It gives me 1300 calories a day and adds more on if I list having done a workout.  I typically eat around 1600 and the calorie burn helps it even out.  Easter came around this weekend and I have done very little to resist the temptation of eating the junk that I bought.  I also haven’t done well at tracking it.  In other words, I’m lying to the application even though my diary is private and other people can’t see it.  I’m ashamed of it, so I’m eating in secret.  I have still been eating fresh food with my meals and incorporating more healthy meals into my day.  I just binge on junk, too.  I’m mad at myself for it.

Finally, the depression is annoying.  I’ve been especially stressed out lately.  I don’t feel like taking care of other people constantly.  I don’t really even want to take care of myself.  I just want to crawl into bed and sleep.  I was feeling better than I had from November to March.  I thought perhaps the physical fitness was taking care of the mental health side of me.  I’m not saying that it hasn’t helped.  I feel more energetic after a workout even on the days I want to skip the workout and nap while the kids do or just watch TV.  That negative voice is still inside of me, though.  I feel like I’ll never reach my goal no matter how hard I try.  I feel that what I’m doing isn’t special because plenty of people have done it and been successful at a greater rate that me.  

I’m still trying, though.  Even with all of the negative emotions that I have towards what I’m trying to do, I believe that the end result is going to be something worth the time and effort.  Some days, I don’t believe it as strongly as others.  None of those bad days are enough to make me scrap the whole thing.  I can’t give up because I’ve given up before and come back to it, so its worth holding on to and trying to make it click this time.  The biggest mistake I’ve made in my journey has been throwing in the towel when I start to feel like what I’m doing doesn’t matter.  Starting over sucks way more than keeping it up and challenging myself.  

Can you think of how you get in your own way?  Do you have ideas on how to overcome that?  Do you have a  friend that can help you be accountable?  Think of someone that might need your help in keeping him/her accountable.  Maybe you can inspire each other.  

Progress report 4/10/2014

I’ve been keeping up with healthy eating and working out since committing to it.  I can’t say that everything I’ve eaten has been healthy, but I try to stay within a reasonable calorie range and I’ve been working out.  There have been days where I don’t want to work out at all and I somehow talk myself into it.  

One thing about deciding to get back into shape is that I’ve been a little more stressed out lately.  Changing my life takes a lot of planning ahead from day to day and meal to meal.  I’m not going to use it as an excuse to give up.  Some days, it clicks more easily than others.  Those other days, I try to accept that everything doesn’t have to be be perfect.

I’m still obsessing with the number on the scale.  I read things that inspire me to forget it, but the belief that I must be a certain weight is deep in my head.  My non scale victories are worth bragging about.  I can go the full 30 minute cycle on my elliptical program without stopping.  I can do more reps with weights without taking a break.  My pants fit the same, but they aren’t tighter and that’s a win.

What I’m learning is not simple as how to be more fit, but to think more highly of myself regardless of my size.  There are so many other things that I have to be proud of than the pounds lost.  Can you list one positive thing about yourself each day for a week?  You might find that you’re pretty great.

Also: My 5 year wedding anniversary is tomorrow.  My husband and I bought ourselves a new bed as a gift to each other.  The mattress was delivered today and I’m impatiently awaiting my sheets and comforter set.  We went from a queen to a king sized bed and from somewhat firm to softer.  I’m hoping that this improves my quality of sleep.  Maybe I won’t have to spend so much time talking myself in to a workout if I’m well rested.

Yes, I have to

Working out again helped me realize that I don’t want to get out of shape again.  It also made me a little angry that I work so hard for so little payoff.  I am not expecting it to be easy, but I don’t want it to be absolutely miserable.

I enjoy working out most of the time.  I like to be fit and strong.  I like to challenge myself to beat my best time in a run.  I don’t like missing out on foods I like to eat.  I don’t like having my joints hurt making me unable to move during the daytime and I can’t sleep at night.  I also don’t like feeling tired all the time.  These are things I had problems with before I started working out that I assumed would go away with weight loss.

I am disappointed that I’m not 55 pounds lighter by now and wearing much smaller clothes.  I’m jealous of the people I see that were successful at losing a large amount of weight.  It just hasn’t clicked with me.  I eat better portions and I have fresh produce each day.  I still drink a cola every day.  I’m not ready to give that up.  I drink my coffee black even though I loved having it sweet.

For some reason, I can’t rid myself of the thought that “if I were only thinner, I’d be happy.”  This ties into depression and distorted thinking that can go along with it.  I’m not unhappy in life.  I’m married to someone who thinks I’m beautiful and great.  I have 3 kids that drive me nuts, but make me smile.  I can chase them around and play soccer in the backyard, but I don’t look healthy.  That bothers me.

So, I ask myself “Do I have to?” The answer is YES.  I have to do this.  Even though this is slow progress and I need my ego stroked once in a while to keep it up, I need this.  I can’t wait for consistently warm weather so I can broaden the possible type of workout I do.  I’m burnt out on the elliptical and the recumbent bike takes a long time for any real payback on calorie burn.  I’m going to keep tracking my calories using an app on my phone that allows me to scan bar codes.  I’m going to work my way up to working out daily.  I’m going to be fit.  There’s no guarantee I’ll ever be satisfied with the woman I see in the mirror or in photos, but when I’m really old, I should be able to go hiking still.

Thanks for reading.  What keeps you motivated? You don’t have to tell me, but maybe you should write it down to look back on once in a while.  The lock screen on my phone says “If you’re tired of starting over, don’t give up.”  Food for thought.