Mommy brain clutter

I am a mom.  I don’t work outside of the home.  I don’t have each kid involved in a sport I have to tote them around to.  I am almost constantly stressed out and tired.  I let the opinions and expectations of other people get into my head.  I get into my own head.  I am constantly criticizing myself.

Part of my problem is depression.  It is a big, mean liar.  It tells me that anyone could do what I do better than I do it.  It tells me that every minor roadblock is total failure.  It tells me that everyone is judging me negatively for everything I say and do.

The job I left to stay at home was not my favorite.  I was in an entry-level position for almost 7 years.  I felt like I worked hard and just couldn’t get ahead no matter how hard I tried.  I worked in the same field for over 10 years and was still entry-level.  I failed at working.

My youngest two are home with me all day.  They’re 2 and 3 years old.  I’ve tried having preschool with them .  It was structured; I had all the supplies and teaching information I thought I needed. I set out to do it and it was frustrating.  My husband and I are shopping preschools to  put our 3-year-old son into.  While this is more about socializing him with other children, I feel like it’s because I failed at teaching.  Then, there’s the fact that I get so annoyed with the kids sometimes that I want to go back to working.  It couldn’t be the same thing since I live nearly 200 miles from the old place.  I also don’t want to feel like I failed at being a stay at home mom since I already failed at working.

There’s also the matter of the 13-year-old girl.  She can be sweet, but can also be extremely difficult.  She can be downright mean.  She says she’s extremely unhappy living with us (her parents).  That breaks my heart.  I want to be a good mom to her, but I get so mad at her when she is ungrateful that I’m just as mean in return.

In conclusion, I am just me, but it’s so hard to accept.  I don’t know where the idea came from, but I have this image of the way everything is supposed to be in my head.  I want everything to be that way instead of the way that it is.  I want things to be just perfect and to make everyone happy and everyone proud of me.  Even though if they said they were proud, I wouldn’t believe them. I’d chalk it up to sympathy or simply stroking my ego.  It’s the same way when I see people.  I don’t think they ask how I’m doing because they want to know.  I assume they want something juicy to talk about.  Here’s the juicy truth…I am pretty average and I live a very boring life.  I have something to give, but for some reason I have no idea what the hell that is.

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